I will never forget the time I beat Jeremy Beadle at Poker.
It was quite easy really I had a better hand than him.

I've started a business supplying salt, pepper and vinegar direct to restaurant cooks.
It's called "My condiments to the chef"

My dad once strayed to close to a black hole and got pulled in.
He didn't fully appreciate the gravity of the situation.

1 in 8 people say they have fallen asleep at the wheel. I've always said the London Eye was boring.

Sky Sports: "McCarthy loving Wolves life"
That's all well and good, but shouldn't he be focusing on pre-season training rather than running in packs and howling at the moon?

My girlfriend just said, "I hope the present you're buying me for my birthday fits."
"Corset will, fatty." I replied.

My cat has been scratching in the living room all day.
I wish I never taught it to DJ.

Boy: hey! My father's name is laughing and my mother's name is smiling..
Girl: really?? You must be kidding !
Boy: no, no, that's my brother.. I'm joking !

I've been waiting for the postman to come for ages, but he's still not even hard yet.

If you see a vicar walking around covered in bolognese, don't worry; it's just the local pastor.

I'm usually very good at remembering things, but last night I forgot what Al Yankovic's nickname was.
I thought: "That's weird".

MSN News; Trusted courier led the US to bin Laden.
Thousand's of troops, millions of pounds of technology, and all it really took was a nice bloke from DHL.

My wife sometimes goes to selfridges to buy her clothes.
Times are hard.

I was watching the Never Ending Story earlier.
It finished about half an hour ago...

It's the birthday of my ice cream business today.
It's been a rocky road.

I sat there and smiled as my brothers kids played in their sandpit on a warm summers day. Sure, it's a little annoying when they fill my shoes up with wet sand or put handfuls in my coat pocket, but I'll have the last laugh as soon as they find the landmine

I've invented a container which when poured, plays cool jazz music.
It's a hip flask.

I'm going to make a fortune making posh hats.
This time next month, I'll be a milliner.

On the one hand, I want to lose weight.
But on the other hand, doughnut.

As a child, I always wanted to be a Power Ranger when I grew up.
I got my wish. I sell extension cords now.

Just bought a genuine Apple corkscrew.
It's a real iOpener.

The local town executioner has had his basket stolen.
Heads are going to roll.

If size doesn't matter then why don't my shoes fit?

SKY NEWS- Take that Gigs: Drunk Women Spark A&E Surge
Personaly, I dont see how this would affect him.

SKY NEWS- Take that Gigs: Drunk Women Spark A&E Surge
Personaly, I dont see how this would affect him.