I had haggis today and didn't like it.
It was offal.

My mate married a midget today and he just said to me, "I'm regretting this already. What's everyone going to say when they see my new bride!? I'm really worried."
"Wife's too short, mate," I replied.

My mate Dan just told me that the police took his DNA.
I said, "Oh yeah, what do we call you now?"

I only joined the vegetarians club so I could meat all the young girls there.

Ever since our band leader lost both his legs in a tragic accident, we've affectionately called him our semi-conductor.

At lunchtime I had some asparagus tips. They told me, "Avoid wearing brown shoes with a grey suit. Put a teaspoon of sugar in a vase of fresh flowers. Never give a fat bird your phone number".

Yahoo News: "More young people are winding up in nursing homes"
That's awful, but I suppose you get away with pulling the same pranks on Alzheimer patients time and again.

Apathetic Jew doesn't give a Schmidt

My book about impulsive decision making didn't go according to plan.

How ironic are those Australia immigration adverts now?
I'm sure they're flooded with requests.

I was on a cruise when the ship's engines failed. We were stranded at sea. Several boats were sent to rescue us.
As one woman stepped off the ship, she caught her shirt on the ladder and it ripped, revealing her bra. She then tore her skirt on the side of the rescue boat, which gave me a good view of her suspenders.
She turned round and caught me staring. She flew into a rage and shouted, "You sick pervert! Are you getting off on this?"
I said, "Nah, I'll wait for the next one."

"Where there's a whim, there's a way." ~ The Law of the Jungle (The Mighty Jungle).

epropr... That's proper messed up.

I've changed my girlfriend twice in the last week.
Hopefully next week, she can go the whole week without a nappy.

Bargain! I found an iPhone under 60 yesterday, so I grabbed it...
...AND the 60

I was in Pyongyang, when 50 women started dancing out of nowhere.
I thought "This seems koreagraphed"

Pimples.
In your face teenagers.

When the chips are down.
Americans just eat them off the floor.

While my girlfriend agrees that simultaneously losing her virginity and joining the mile high club would be a memorable experience, we just can't settle on the finer details.
I want to do it on the next flight we take, but she wants to hire a private helicopter. Her best mate says hang-gliding would be a unique choice, while my mates all reckon we should try skydiving.
Needless to say, the plans for popping her cherry are still very much up in the air.

I've been taking drugs for years now.
In fact I can't remember the last time I paid for them.

BBC NEWS: Dead man found by police station.
Must have been one clever police station!

My midget boss sacked me today.
I didn't care, I left his office with my head held high knowing I was the bigger man!

Eddie Stobart died of a heart attack,
Apparently he got the freight of his life.

Filling your car with Diesel is much cheaper than petrol.
Its only 40 quid a bottle in Superdrug.

I always loved my mum's parents, Pearl and Dean. Of course I knew them as Granny and Grandpapa-p'pa-p'pa-p'pa-pahpahpah.