If you fib on a court-ordered polygraph test, and the machine says you're telling the truth, can they charge you with lie ability?

I went to meet my wife in the new shopping centre and ended up getting lost.
Yeah, series one to five on dvd for a tenner.

My girlfriend complains that the light is too dim in our house.
Watts the problem.

Just got fired from my job working on Countdown.
I don't see where they're coming from but apparently I was consonantly getting words mixed up.

I know a lot of very clever jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over peoples heads.

As a child, I thought the green stuff that came out your nose was lime juice. Turns out it's not

At the end of the day, bouncy castles are always one big let down.

I once took over the earth with merely a horse chestnut tree.
I conkered the world!

I say, I say, I say; a member of my cricket team has contracted a deadly viral disease.
Ebola?
More of a batsman, really.

Terrible weather conditions at the Ryder Cup, meant officials brought out a ruling, that players could use 'preferred lies' ...
Tiger Woods immediately texted his wife, to say he was going for just a couple more holes after work.

I just used a colon improperly. But she's really drunk and probably won't remember.

I see Alicia Keys has given birth to a little boy.
I bet he goes to Yale.

I've just got back from the world threesome championships.
I came third.

"I'm sorry Sir, but we can't allow you on the ice rink with those skates on your feet", said the manager. I personally think he was just a bit jealous ..
They'd cost me a fortune from the fishmongers.

I think macs are racist. I mean, all of them are white!
Then again, they never have been very PC.

I've just made an upside-down cake.
But I dropped it on the floor by accident, so everything's fine.

Im really upset now.
My Girlfriend has sent me a text saying she cant see me anymore.
Its been like this ever since she went to the opticians.

I ran into an old flame today...
Singed my eyebrows.

My friend creates water features for a living, he is very good at what he does and there is nothing he doesn't know. He's a real fountain of knowledge.

SKY SPORTS: Alan Pardew is the new newcastle manager.
A man who's seen the sack more times than george michaels chin !

I would never eat from a fancy restaurant that had snails on the menu.
If they can't be bothered to wipe the menu's, what's the kitchen going to be like?

I'm thinking about kicking my flatmate out because he thinks its funny to slip racist words into his sentences every time we talk.
When he's at work later, I think I might Paki's bags.

I'm a metaphor...Literally

I'm sick and tired of people saying that Americans are all fat and unhealthy.
They're just mall nourished.

I saw a flying saucer glowing in the sky last night which I identified as a UFO.
At which point it immediately ceased to be one.