Looks like some guy called Max has broken into my house and written his name on all of my measuring jugs.

I went on a self-defence course.
Now, if I try to self-harm I can protect myself.

I have a step dad.
He sleeps outside at the front door.

I was playing poker the other night, and I ran out of cash, so I slapped some meat on the table.
I was raising the steaks.

I spend a lot of time messing about with my bit on the side.
I always end up settling for a Bobby Charlton style comb over though.

I asked a fisherman for some advice,
but he just told me to sling my hook

A guy came and asked me if I believed in black magic.
I said. "Of course I do. You'll find them next to the Quality Street."

I threw my clock in the bin today
What a waste of time

I really felt the baby kicking today.
Think I might have broken my toe but it was a cheaper option than the abortion clinic.

Never ever make suicide bomb jokes to your Muslim extremist girlfriend.
She'll go off on one.

Bradford City fans must be sad at their team's mediocre performance this season in the lower leagues.
25 years ago they were on fire.

Why do you call an insect on the moon?
A lunatic.

As a computer hacker I've been around the block a few times.

A new Indian cafe just opened in my town.
Well we did need a New Delhi..

I bought a pirate DVD yesterday.
Johnny Depp was brilliant in it.

Bungee jumping.
People always fall for it.

I live on the 5Th floor of a tower block. I wanted to move to the 6Th floor, but that's a different story.

My Grandma never believed Granddad when he said he felt ill.
She said, "It's all in your mind".
Which made it funny when he died from a brain tumour.

From the BBC:
Controversial plans to convert Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's former Surrey home into flats have been approved.
William Hill have "Sherlock Homes" at 3/1

BREAKING NEWS - The England hotel was broken into last night and possessions were stolen.
The referee is now wanted on 2 charges of robbery.

Did Princess Diana have a Will?
Of course she did.
..And a Harry.

I was out walking around my village when a young girl rode past me on her bike.
"Nice night for a ride!", I said.
"Yes, it is", she responded.
Your honour.

Could 7/7 have been avoided?
Only with rather severe reforms of the calendar.

Paedophiles and their victims go hand in hand.

I paid a building firm to renovate my property. Imagine my surprise when I turned up to find Mr T had dug a 20ft by 8ft hole in the garden, filled it with concrete, tiled it in blue mosaic and filled it with chlorinated water.
I asked him what he was doing and he replied " I fitted the pool"