Anyone want a plate?
Speak now or forever hold your pizza.

As soon as my girlfriend gets home, I'm going to rip off her clothes.
Her skirt's a bit tight on me and I can't walk in her heels.

My insomnia is so bad I should be thrown in prison for resisting a rest.

Revenue and Customs have reported that Man United recorded their worst loss this season.
6-1 to Manchester City.

I once realised you could make a fortune selling leaves to vegetarians. Ever since then i've been raking it in.

After using the toilet for some time, I returned to the bedroom.
When you're broke and without a watch, you get to use weird alternatives.

When I get invited to a fancy dinner party, I always go commando.
I find it can be a real conversation starter when I smash the sky light and zip line into the room.

I lied awake in bed, but she believed every word.

Where do Jewish Hipsters "Shop until they Drop?"
....
Urban Auschwitters.

I hate learning languages with a cold.
Though it does make me fluent.

I was watching some thick, dark clouds on TV the other day...
Just before the watershed.

I thought I wasn't going to go down too well with my new inmates
But it seems they were impressed

I came into the kitchen yesterday and saw my wife searching frantically in the kitchen.
'What are you looking round for?' I asked. 'My keys' she replied, 'I can't find them anywhere.'I meant what are you looking round for, fatty? You were a normal shape when I married you'

What's the similarity between my poker game and my body?
Too many folds.

chocolate caramel digestives
could life be sweeter

Sky 'The following broadcast is rated 18 as it contains scenes which some viewers may find distressing'.
Enjoy The Manchester derby featuring Tevez and Lescott's faces.

What did Bruce Lee get for Christmas?
ATOY!

A real astronaut would name his rocket after Sergio Ramos

I just bought a dog and named him 'Achilles'. He's not big or strong or anything, it's just so that when I need him to come to me, I can yell, "Achilles! Heel!"

Just watched this game show on telly where after 3 rounds of eliminations to get to the final, this pair of contestants didn't get the answer needed in order to win the jackpot, so they walked away with nothing. It seems to be pointless.

On casual friday, I nearly lost my job for serious misconduct.
I will change my drag name next week to seriously Miss Understood.

Next week i'm going to Italy for 3 months.
I'm not sure whereabouts though.
Probably just Turin about.

A Man, a woman and a Sheep, Pig and a Cow. Would this be a menagerie a trois?

Got a new job giving baths in a nursing home.
I put the 'oap' into 'soap'.

I've always got time for people without a watch