I remember the shouts of "SCAB!" as my father went to work. "SCAB!" they would shout during the great dermatologists strike...

I went and got my colon checked yesterday.
It turned out it was an apostrophe.

My mate pointed out the other day that Specsavers was having an 80% discount on everything, however I couldn't see the big deal.

I have a terrible problem with insomnia.
I can't sleep because my neighbour keeps playing Faithless' Greatest Hits until four in the morning.

Girl guide knocks on my doors and offered me cookies.
I told her I couldn't pay in cache.

I crossed my duck with a goose.The baby came out funny, it's got funny eyes and it's tongue hangs out.
I dont know if it's a Down duck or a Mong goose

Did you hear about the tennis match between the two artists?
They drew.

I bet Princess Diana wishes she had as many brakes as the SuperBowl

My mom died during delivery.
At least we got a condolence letter from FedEx.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for...
... Velcro gloves!

My wife has told me that she is going to hire a lawyer to try and get everything I own because of my obsession with the singer Bobby Brown.
Well, two can play at that game.

Doctor Doctor?
Yes, patient patient?

I can't believe I just paid 100 quid to get rimmed.
Should've gone to specsavers.

Today's horse racing tip of the day...
Point it in the right direction and tell it to run as fast as it can.

"If you don't ask, you don't get."
I don't remember asking for Herpes.

I love local jokes.
They're right up my street.

I believe that a person who fancies both men and women should be treated exactly the same as anyone else...
Bi rights.

"This crowd is boring. Not even Sympathy for the Devil got them going!"
"Well, what did you expect? A Rolling Stone gathers no mosh."

I've started making solid gold action figures from the Lord of the Rings franchise.
It's an expensive hobbit.

Mathematicians don't get old and senile.
They just lose some of their functions.

So today's news stated that "the spice turmeric used in curries can help the battle against cancer"
It's called kormatherapy

What's Bob short for?
Diabetes claimed both his legs.

I love cloning just as much as the next guy.
And the next guy.

When we were at the beach, my kid asked me if I'd make the lobster he found look like Zoidberg, but I told him I had bigger fish to Fry.

I'm having a bit of a party tonight, as I've just turned 50.
Apparently it's an all time record for converting people to Jehovah Witnesses.