My plan for this summer is three-fold:
Learn origami.

I called in to rent a DVD on the way home.
"Hi," I said "I'm looking for a good horror film."
He said, "I've got just the thing."
I said, "That's no good, I've seen it."

I know a blind man that does observational comedy...
It's dark humour.

Remember, a doggy is not just for Christmas. It's a great position all year round!

Putting contact lenses in for the first time is a real eye opener.

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

I've just returned from a strange shopping experience in the Middle East.
It was very bazaar.

Last night I went to a belt party.
Everyone got waisted

I recently went to see Shamu and saw a sign that said "Those in the first three rows will get wet"
And sure enough, all of those seats were reserved by women from the Whale fetishist society

My server crashed due to the death of Amy Winehouse.
My wife heard the news on the car radio before hitting a tree.

I couldn't be more lazy if I tried.

My uncle was a bit of a dare-devil in his day.
Well he used to be a full one until he tried juggling chainsaws.

People who play the air guitar need stringing up.

What do you call a dwarf on a reconaissance mission?
Happy go looky.

My girlfriend lost her job for being a stunner.
She's not good looking or anything, just an over aggressive police officer.

I was in Minneapolis the other day ...
Until Mr. Apolis returned home unexpectedly.

I finally found a spotter at the gym,its like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders

I normally enjoy cleaning, but yesterday I lost my rag.

I remember my first date with my wife, we went to the airport.
Then things just sort of took off from there.

I was trying to cross a stream earlier, but the bloke told me to get back to my own urinal.

Just seen a small insect carrying a pack of cards.
Think it might have been ant and deck.

A kid just called to my door and said "Trick or treat, .... or treat!"
I thought to myself, he's missed a trick there.

I nicked an apple a banana and a plum from the maternity ward last night.
Just enjoying the fruits of their labour.

I've never seen my daughter's boyfriend take her anywhere.
They always close the curtains and block the keyhole.

Frankie has been booted off the X-Factor for breaking a 'Golden Rule'.
He couldn't sing