If I was reincarnated as a fish, I'd be gutted.

Charles Darwin always gave chocolate to children at Christmas.
It was a natural selection box.

My wife seems to have lost her creativity of late so I told her, "You should start thinking more outside the box".
"Well can you let me out please?", she replied.

Just got back from seeing "The Iron Lady"
Dropped her off my shirts to do for work next week.

It's been a bad day, I've just been told by the doctor that I'm allergic to my deodorant.
Oh well, roll-on tomorrow.

My girlfriend really did a number on me last night.
She shat on my chest.

Styes are an eyesore.

My mate tried to catch a bus earlier.
Unfortunately he dropped it on his toe.

I was in the middle of a fight yesterday and I got punched in the face.
Probably shouldn't have stood between them...

The entire cast of my local theatre company have dyed their hair blonde for their next performance.
Fair play.

My mate asked me if I wanted one of his dirty magazines.
I said, "Yeah".
He gave me a fishing magazine with a coffee stain on the front.

My father used to be a tailor, as was his father, and his father's father. I think I shall follow suit.

I actually invented the word "pseudonym." Don't bother looking it up because I did it under another name.

Luke Skywalker and his family came into the restaurant that I work in tonight.
They ordered spaghetti, then complained that they found it difficult lifting it to their mouths.
I said, "Use the forks!"

Just went out and bought the new PS3 game, in which you develop a Persian country's economy by finding vast resources of oil and gas.
Qatar Hero.

I had to do an exam at work today - It was just one question.
My boss said "Failure is not an option."
Which was annoying because the question was 'What happens when we don't succeed?'

Heard Morrissey is making a hip hop record.
He's a blacksmith now.

I'm sick to death of terminal illnesses

BBC NEWS : China mobile hits 600 million customers...
That's no way to sell your product

I'm the best teacher at my school for the deaf...
Watch and learn.

Sky News: "Number of Brits attending Greyhound Races up 50% compared to last year"
So this country really is going to the Dogs.

I was going to tell you a joke about maize and wheat, but don't worry, its too corny.

Mozart couldn't find his teacher cos he was Hayden.

I pay the lady next door to iron my clothes topless while I watch. When my mum found out she said I was a pervert for looking at her naked.
I said, "She's not completely naked. It's all above board."

The editor of a thesaurus died today.
His last words were: 'least', 'lowest', and 'fewest'.