I was trying to write a novel whilst driving earlier but I hit a wall.

I met a skydiver yesterday, he was very down to earth.

There is a way!
Sincerely, Will.

I like women how I like my coal...
Slags.

I'm so upset my wife of ten years has left me for a manager of a car rental company.
It Hertz.

My neighbor the tennis player is noisy, I mean he's an alright guy but he just needs to keep the racket down .

I've just seen some Tipp-Ex on Ebay for a 'bargain' 20 pence per case, correction only.
There's no way I'm going to China for it!

Cardiff City in talks with potential new manager
'Sheep Shearer'
I'm taking copyright for it now before The Daily Star does.

I bought some fruit trees at the weekend and the guy in the garden centre gave me a complimentary box of insects to help pollinate them.
He said they were free bees.

My doctor said to me 'Have you ever spoken about your chromosomes?'
I said 'Only with my ex, why?'

I needed a break from my hectic life, so went to the theatre but I got the dates mixed up & a Chinese cookery exhibition was on instead.
All wok & no play.

Bloke in the pub sold me a pirate GPS. It tells you exactly where you arr.

I find that smashing TVs is a good way to channel your rage.

My wife sucks.
If only she swallowed.

''I went to West Yorkshire to get some things for my dog''
''Leeds?''
''No, just a few new toys''

So the Chilean miners are coming out tomorrow... I wonder what their wives will think?

My girlfriend said she's leaving me because I'm insensitive towards her body size.
In retrospect, I should have told her she has a "patience" problem instead of saying she has a "wait" problem.

My girlfriend's made a mistake, so I've bought her some correction fluid.
Gin.

I hate it when my husband leaves dog ends all over the garden instead of throwing them away properly.
We're trying to fit in round here and the last thing I want is the neighbour's being constantly reminded that we're Korean.

My driving instructor asked if I knew any road signs.
I said if its long and has cars on it then it's probably a road.

For a cheap, degradable bag - have your wife carry the groceries home.

I wouldn't say my wife is easy,
Horizontally accessible sounds better.

BBC News: 'British pair freed from pirates'
Why steal our fruit in the first place?

Saw a bloke today slowing crawling on the ground, looking up women's skirts.
What a creep.

The doctor told me that my addiction to naan bread could kill me.
I start keema therapy next week.