In an effort to be green, my wife's spent a fortune changing all our light fittings to low energy, light emitting diodes.
She's easily LED

Here i am, sitting on a stool. Suppose i should have gone to the toilet.

My dad fell to his death when he tried to urinate from the top of a building.
What a way to go.

Some people just aren't worth wasting your breath on.
Which in hindsight is probably why I lost my job as a paramedic.

Me and the lads went on a 'pull a pig' contest.
I was declared the winner when I got back from the farm.
The farmers wife is a right minger.

Whenever I am about to get married I turn into a different person
Its my altar ego

My Social Worker has said she will get me back to work "By Hook or by Crook".
If I'm honest, I'd prefer Piracy over Sheep Farming.

Just went to the bookies and put a quid down.
Cashier said, "Why are you insulting a pound coin?"

I concocted a new drink in a test tube. I think i should mix it in something else because it tasted vial.

Derby County FC has fan merchandise that reads "Derby till I die..."
Can constant disappointment actually cause death?

I've hired my wife a plane for the day.
She's got 24 hours to fix that table now.

My girlfriend is a bit of a magician in bed.
Everytime I unexpectedly walk into the bedroom, she pulls a rabbit out from somewhere.

These days forcing a man to stand outside in the cold for hours on end holding a huge wooden stick upright is considered to be a cruel and unusual punishment.
But back in Roman times it was standard practice.

After the January transfer window, I think it's quite clear there's a barren dent in the Sunderland frontline

News: 'Pregnant woman loses head during motorcycle accident'.
I know pregnant women can be a little short tempered but to get angry when someone has just crashed their motorcycle is just going too far.

I've just stubbed my big toe on the end of my bed.
It was silly to even try and smoke it in the first place really.

During an argument, I hit my wife with a violin and she instantly backed down.
Must have struck a chord.

I know that there's a supermarket price-war going on, but I think Iceland have gone a bit too far this time.

I couldn't believe My Luck...
I've never known a Chinese woman to lie so much.

I used to be one of Hollywood's hottest stuntmen, somedays I was on fire.

I was in a restaraunt the other day, and I saw a bowl of salt.
So I pinched it.

I've just joined my local Tug Of War team...
I'm not very good yet, but they're only showing me the ropes

I went into a pub with Brian Wilson out of The Beach Boys the other day, and he wouldn't let me get a round in

James Bourne, Matt Jay and Charlie Simpson were
arrested today whilst trying to rob a bank.
It seems they were busted.

The doctor signed me off work for a month with a ruptured pericardium.
My heart bleeds.