Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend has told me to quit my mainstream Greek religion...
She's being unorthodox.

Wordplay Joke

I was in HMV looking for the country section.
I couldn't find it, so I went up to the man and asked him, "Where's the country section?"
He said, "Try the other side mate."
So I went to his other ear and said, "Where's the country section?"

Wordplay Joke

My Mum's turn during a family hangman game last New Year: "Your Dad cleans my what every week?"
V _ LV _
I really wished she drove a Volvo.

Wordplay Joke

I get violent towards my wife everytime I drink strongbow.
Different cider me.

Wordplay Joke

The waiter walked over to our table and said,''I'm sorry sir but we've overcooked your steak ''
I sarcastically said, ''Well done mate ''
To which he responded, '' A bit more than well done sir. ''

Wordplay Joke

A few weeks ago, my brother said he and his family were going on holiday. My 8 year old niece asked if I would come in her suitcase.
As it turns out, it seems I misunderstood her.

Wordplay Joke

I bought a book called "The A-Z of Tribute Bands", I read it from cover to cover

Wordplay Joke

I bought a book called "The A-Z of Tribute Bands", I read it from cover to cover

Wordplay Joke

I looked out the window this morning to see that every house on the road opposite had fallen over, one by one. Police believe it was triggered by an explosion at the Domino's pizza shop.

Wordplay Joke

My ex-girlfriend got sectioned last night.
I cut her into quarters.

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear about the woman who left her husband because he was a suicide bomber?
He was in pieces.

Wordplay Joke

I tried a new restaurant last night, the owner is half Korean and half French.
I had dogs legs.

Wordplay Joke

My 3 year old daughter fell off her bike yesterday and she was rushed to hospital with severe head injuries.
She's stabilized now.

Wordplay Joke

There's nothing I like to do more than give a man a good blow.
I'm a big fan.

Wordplay Joke

"It's taken me 60 years but I have finally read this book about my family dying in the Holocaust."
Librarian: "It's over Jew."

Wordplay Joke

I know someone who named their son Dictionary. His first word was "aardvark".

Wordplay Joke

Do Dementia sufferers ever get lost?
Just wandering.

Wordplay Joke

I'm trying to make a joke about an indestructible egg, but I can't quite crack it.

Wordplay Joke

My dad was drinking this morning and now he's gone off the rails.
He's a train driver in India.

Wordplay Joke

As an executioner in lynching criminals, I first started out a rookie.
But after some time I started to get the hang of it.

Wordplay Joke

i've just made a step by step guide to cure people who have a phobia of stairs

Wordplay Joke

The waitress in this restaurant just smiled and winked.
Both of our tips just went up.

Wordplay Joke

Lionel Messi has got nothing on Andy Carroll.
If I was betting man then neither would I.

Wordplay Joke

I never put pressure on my children to win awards or accolades. I always point
out to them that's it's the taking part that counts.
I'm not sure Brit, Oscar and Emmy quite feel that way though.

Wordplay Joke

I always carry a piece of paper on how to kill a man
I like to keep a mental note.