The waiter walked over to our table and said,''I'm sorry sir but we've overcooked your steak ''
I sarcastically said, ''Well done mate ''
To which he responded, '' A bit more than well done sir. ''

A few weeks ago, my brother said he and his family were going on holiday. My 8 year old niece asked if I would come in her suitcase.
As it turns out, it seems I misunderstood her.

I bought a book called "The A-Z of Tribute Bands", I read it from cover to cover

I bought a book called "The A-Z of Tribute Bands", I read it from cover to cover

I looked out the window this morning to see that every house on the road opposite had fallen over, one by one. Police believe it was triggered by an explosion at the Domino's pizza shop.

My ex-girlfriend got sectioned last night.
I cut her into quarters.

Did you hear about the woman who left her husband because he was a suicide bomber?
He was in pieces.

I tried a new restaurant last night, the owner is half Korean and half French.
I had dogs legs.

My 3 year old daughter fell off her bike yesterday and she was rushed to hospital with severe head injuries.
She's stabilized now.

There's nothing I like to do more than give a man a good blow.
I'm a big fan.

"It's taken me 60 years but I have finally read this book about my family dying in the Holocaust."
Librarian: "It's over Jew."

I know someone who named their son Dictionary. His first word was "aardvark".

Do Dementia sufferers ever get lost?
Just wandering.

I'm trying to make a joke about an indestructible egg, but I can't quite crack it.

My dad was drinking this morning and now he's gone off the rails.
He's a train driver in India.

I've just stubbed my big toe on the end of my bed.
It was silly to even try and smoke it in the first place really.

During an argument, I hit my wife with a violin and she instantly backed down.
Must have struck a chord.

I know that there's a supermarket price-war going on, but I think Iceland have gone a bit too far this time.

I couldn't believe My Luck...
I've never known a Chinese woman to lie so much.

As an executioner in lynching criminals, I first started out a rookie.
But after some time I started to get the hang of it.

i've just made a step by step guide to cure people who have a phobia of stairs

The waitress in this restaurant just smiled and winked.
Both of our tips just went up.

Lionel Messi has got nothing on Andy Carroll.
If I was betting man then neither would I.

I never put pressure on my children to win awards or accolades. I always point
out to them that's it's the taking part that counts.
I'm not sure Brit, Oscar and Emmy quite feel that way though.

I always carry a piece of paper on how to kill a man
I like to keep a mental note.