My wife left me yesterday due to my schizophrenia.
I suppose I've only myself to blame.

I just bought a book on erectile dysfunction.
Ironically, it has a hard cover.

Scores of people killed at Muslim wedding.
Now thats what I call a Turkish Delight.

Armadillo: one 'd' away from being completely inappropriate.

Has anyone else see that hazard sign on the A1 ...........'Blind Summit"
When are they going to figure out what it is?

I knew a guy who despaired and committed suicide by putting his head in a hydraulic press. People tried to reason with him but in the end he was just too narrow minded.

Guardian Headline
Patrick Swayze, star of Dirty Dancing and Ghost, dies after battle with cancer aged 57
Telegraph Headline
Patrick Swayze, the actor acclaimed for his performances in Dirty Dancing and Ghost, has died of pancreatic cancer, aged 57.
The Daily Sport Headline
Crazeeee, Swayze's Pushing up the Daisies

I'm looking after my gran this weekend.
If she's looking for an excuse to divorce grandad, I'll probably give her one.

Lucky, the worlds oldest sheep, has died age 23.
Well, you can only wrap them up in cotton wool for so long.

Got a lift home from work today,
Going to put it on E-bay.

I got into work today to find I didn't have much on.
That may have explained the funny looks on the bus.

Sometimes I like to sit in a corner of the pub rubbing my pint feeling sorry for myself.
I like feeling bitter.

'...At the pre-wedding rehearsal, the vicar said to the groom, "All you have to remember is this":
1. You walk up to the AISLE
2. You kneel at the ALTER
3. And then we sing a HYMN
Your keywords are: AISLE, ALTER, HYMN.
...And that, my friends, are the same keywords of ALL brides.
I'LL ALTER HIM!
Get married at your peril.

I just bought some epileptic curtains.
They came with free fitting.

Personally I think I've raised my kids really well.
That flamethrower made short work of them.

So there I am, standing in the kitchen with the biggest erection you've ever seen when the head chef starts shouting, "I said get me a lardon."

My girlfriend kept moaning about an itch on her back but I was refusing to help.
I wasn't up to scratch.

I went to my local harbour and hired a tug for an hour...
Then later I went boating.

William shakespeare is an anagram for "I am a weakish speller"

Aren't all cameras disposable?

I started crying today when I couldn't find my scissors to cut out a coupon in the newspaper.
I was reduced to tears.

I guess even the Mafia are having to make budget cuts. I just woke up and found a head of lettuce in my bed.

My wife recently decided to donate her body to science.
She left me for a doctor.

I was playing guitar earlier, I ended up getting a little too excited and managed to snap my G string.
I certainly won't be playing guitar with my underwear again.

The Bank sent me a reminder,it said,
"We havent recieved your last payment",
I wrote back and said,"Yes you have".