What do you call a man with a Boulder on his head?
Dead.

My daredevil friend has nerves of steel.
A bungee jump went wrong and he was crushed against a bridge.

Since my so called father told me I was adopted, I've been on a search to find my true parents
After several months of searching I found out I'm a child of two Vampires
I haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror since.

I just beat Cancer!
That's the last time my wife tells me what nicknames i can and can't give her.

I was told that it's good to sleep on your problems to clear your head through tough times.
It didn't work that way when I tried sleeping on my manager.

I lost my job teaching children tennis.
One court date led to another.

My mate is always tearing up the dance floor...
He's a night club renovator.

The Turkish hate it if you say Eurasian.

I bought Lens cleaner yesterday.
She's worked well, so I'll call Len to see if he has anyone else for sale.

I've never invented anything, except this broken calculator.
Does that count?

What do we want?
Women's rights!
When do we want them?
After we've finished the ironing!

It took me ages to explain to my fishing partner as to how I lost my maggots in the shrubs
But I didn't mean to bait around the bush

Contrary to popular belief, Getting a retweet off a celebrity..
Does not cure Cancer.

Two fat people in a marriage will never work out.

Got my oral exam out of the way this morning.
There seemed to be a bit of confusion at the start, just as I unzipped him, he started speaking french.

Some Paki kid called me a douchebag earlier...
I replied 'Calling me something loosely translated as 'washbag' isn't as offensive to us, but I see where you're coming from...'

We know CCTV will lead to the downfall of civilised society.
Orwell that ends well.

I took my wife of 12 years to the beach last week for a nice stroll along the sea front. As we parked, she smiled at me and said, 'I'm so glad you've grown up at last and realized what's important in life. You've changed darling.' I just squeezed her hand, smiled back, then kissed her tenderly whilst leaning onto the back seat to cover up my bucket and spade with the backseat blanket

I opened a fish gym last week.
So far everything's hunky dory.

My father served in Iraq. He was Saddam Hussein's butler.

My father served in Iraq. He was Saddam Hussein's butler.

Beyonce's stage costume came apart just before a performance, but the sewing machine in the dressing room had broken down.
Eventually they just used one of the back-up singers.

There was an explosion at the drill factory where I work.
Everyone was in bits afterwards.

I like my kids like I like my jokes.
On a morally suspect website.

What's the difference between single life and a woman?
Single life has its happy periods.