Positively-charged atoms are attracted to negatively-charged ones.
That's ionic.

I imagine that if you were to cut open an archaeopteryx, it's stomach would be full of worms.
After all, it was the earliest bird.

Haunted librarys. That should send a chill down your spine

I ran over my dog with the lawnmower yesterday.
He's ok now though, after a little retail therapy.

The Mirror: 'Sven hoping to to beat off Spurs, QPR and PSG to sign Becks'
How sore is his arm going to be after that?

Christian lesbians are always willing to turn the other chick.

I hate my addiction to silky materials, it's really ruining my social life.
Satin all last weekend.

I used to have trouble remembering what page I was on,
but now I've turned a corner.

My 8 year old son came home from school and told me that his Scouse teacher had taught them about reproduction.
"At last!" I said "now make me some pirate DVD's"

What do you call an impatient waiter?
An Oxymoron

Could all the lads who had their bent erections fixed please come forward.

I mistook my teacher for a tube worker today.
In my defence, the resemblance was striking.

Ahh good old December the 1st and finally the moustache has gone.
My Girlfriend was starting to look like Tom Selleck.

I want to go to a party dressed in cling film, but I don't think I'll be able to pull it off.

My gran just accused me of stealing her copies of The Mirror Crack'd and The Body in the Library. I think she's lost her marples.

I've been asked to design the world's biggest maze.
I don't think I can get out of it.

You should never hit a child... under 35mph or they may survive.

I saw a grave stone earlier.
It was in the middle of a load of happy stones.

I perform arguably the best stand up in the world...
Straight up.

I didn't want to make a scene when I saw my wife in public with another man. So I threw a sharp stair in her direction.
Unfortunately it's now lodged in her brain. Theres no doubting the quality the B&Q stair range though.

I got a picture of a dead horse if you wanna flog it

I recently made a complaint to the council, because of my neighbours "constant drilling".
According to the letter I received, its a standard procedure at the Army barracks.

My son talks to invisible animals.
I think they're his menagerie friends.

I tried to take my wife line dancing with me, but we always ended up getting in a row.

I went to a topless bar last night.
It doesn't make sense to me. Nowhere to put your drink down.