I was walking down the street and a little, old lady said, "excuse me, duck."
So I said, "Yes love?" and that's when a brick hit me in the head.

I've recently started a band called "Tefflon"
We cover metal...

Well, the threat of Osama has finally Bin Laden down to rest.

There was a mathematician who frequently sunbathed and often strayed from the topic of conversation.
He was a real tan gent..

Somebody gave me a box full of Jamaican hair extensions.
It was dreadful.

What's the best time for your wife to watch the football?
In a coma.

I walked in on my son naked the other day.
He said, "Dad, put some clothes on!".

I crashed my one-man plane into the middle of the ocean and wondered how I would make it back to dry land.
However, once I found the blanket in the back and the wind picked up it was plane sailing from there.

Whenever I quickly turned my car headlights on and off at someone, I got a flashback.

My wife's Breast Cancer Chemotherapy was done on Bupa.
It was a one off lump payment

I got sacked because I wouldn't check out this gorgeous woman at work.
I hated being a hotel receptionist anyway.

After years and years of gentle persuasion I finally got my wife to try a new position.
Good job too, our regular goalie was out injured.

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs, lying on a beach?
Sandy.

My mate said I don't deal with issues quick enough
"You wait" I replied.

I just wish everyone would get off my back...
It makes running from the scene so much harder.

My wife's leaving me because of the all the jokes I make about blind people.
I can not see what she's on about.

I went off on a tirade earlier.
But I only managed to get some cufflinks

So a gang has been formed for Dyslexic Dwarfs.
Apparently they're a bit short on numbers.

It's easy to pull a Pokemon fan girl. All I have to do is turn on the charmander pants come off

What are Canadians most renowned for saying? Is it..
a)

I just painted my girlfriends nails.
It took ages, there are loads in her flat.

I tried to give my rubbish to a refuse collector but he wouldn't accept it.

I find oxymorons can be very bittersweet.

There was over two grand in my bank this morning and I'm not due to get paid for another week.
I think my boss has been making advances at me.

A mate asked me what I thought of The Jimi Hendrix Experience.
I said mixing drugs and alcohol and drowning in my own vomit didn't appeal to me that much.