I was planning on making my girlfriend Happy today.
But I can't get a dwarf costume from anywhere.

My wife just ran into the house.
I can't believe she didn't see it.

My friend is a qualified greengrocer
He has lettuce after his name.

I've had an argument with my vest.
It's giving me the cold shoulder.

I've had an argument with my vest.
It's giving me the cold shoulder.

If new 'right guard deodorant' gives you 24 hour protection how comes I got beaten up 4 hours after putting it on?

I went to the international look-a-like of the year contest,
It was a tie between,
The Black's and the Chinese

I spent some time in an NHS Hospital recently, and amongst all the chaos there was one particular member of the nursing staff who was very mehodical and insisted on doing everything by the book.
I quite admired Sister Matic.

Did you sleep good?
No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Those white people who have problems with Asians, they never know what Asians call them...
Acromasians.

After doing core strength exercises, I'm claiming ownership of my local gym.
Squatter's rights.

Here's some footage of my ex wife.
5 foot tall.
4 foot wide.
6 foot under.

"Just to play Devil's Advocate for a minute, but have you considered becoming a Satanist?"

I just heard my mate Oedipus swearing at some children.
"And you kiss your mother with that mouth?", I shouted.

I keep getting an electric shock from my light switch.
I can't work out why, I just can't put my finger on it.

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

In today's newspaper i read a food critic's review of an Italian restaurant in Glasgow.
Don't think that he thought much of it though.
The headline read "It's the place to go pasta".

I always enjoy steaks as rare as possible....
Which is why I love hunting snow leopards every january.

I always tell people I have a child-like disposition.
It sounds better than saying I'm a paedophile.

I was so disappointed with the kitchen themed gifts my wife gave me last year. She brought me a set of cutlery, biscuit cutters and to put the icing on the cake...
A piping bag.

I was video shooting earlier.
Emptied a whole round on my wife's Twilight box set.

The local farmer almost gave me a job looking after his wheat fields.
I could've been a corn tender.

People say im like a toolbox.
Everytime I get hammered I get screwed

Kerplunk! i hate it when the ceiling falls down while i'm playing scrabble

I launched my charity bedding appeal for Africa today.
Duvet Know it's Christmas?