Was nice to see Glee on X Factor playing a selection of their greatest hit.

I hate it when people use big words to make themselves sound more intelligent, I'm just of the persuasion it's exorbitantly egregious.

I'm taking part in an amateur unicycle event next week.
I'm gonna need support.

Chris bates now knows how my wife feels.... Beaten by Stella

A decent philosopher never sits down.
Stands to reason.

I was holding a bacon sandwich in each hand when i suddenly realised "I'm hambidextrous".

Archaeologists have just discovered part of, what is believed to be, a door in Wiltshire.
It's a stone hinge.

My wife said that I was too impulsive and that I should think twice before doing anything. At first I agreed with her, but now, on second thoughts.....

I've penned a few great novels in my time.
For which the library fined me heavily.

A man walks in to a bakery and asks for a book on wrong places..

BBC News: Huge rocket flies from California
Wonder if you can keep them as pets?

Ever since I tried to clog a hole in my boat with my tongue, I've been thinking...

I've just sent someone an email to tell them they will be out of a job in 12 months, and I don't feel guilty at all.
It read: Dear Mr Cameron........

Just read a great book 'How to improve your hearing' by Alison Hard.

When I was young I had a fear of high fences.
It's something I never got over.

I was cooking earlier with a 'family size' jar of pasta sauce.
Must have been a small family.

I was with my wife and a few friends before her big charity event today, and everyone was feeling quite nervous.
I said, "You could cut the tension with a knife!"
She freaked out and decided not to do the bungee jump.

Since I've been in a wheelchair I just sit at the top of the stairs while my daughter throws food up...
She's bulimic.

A plane carrying two football teams has caught fire in mid-air.
Every player on board has been forced to jump out without a parachute.
It's a Catch 22 situation.

Goodbye Mr Brown.
You were in there too long, and it was a struggle to get you out.
I said, whilst flushing the toilet.

My son came to ask me for tips on making double entendres...
I'm so proud, I must be rubbing off on him.

My mate said I did the best impression of a leaf he'd ever seen.
I was blown away.

What size wood did Noah make the Ark from?
Two by two.

How ironic that the starving little African kid on Soccer Aid is called Marvin

my wife wants me to stop beating her
i beat her all the time, in the living room, in the bedroom and everywhere
i beat her so harshly she starts crying
she is a sore looser at snakes and ladders