Bill Gate's house is really nice but he needs to update his windows

My girlfriend keeps ruining all our newpapers and magazines to get coupons and money off vouchers.
I keep telling her to cut it out.

What is a siamese twin's favourite career path?
Joinery.

I would have told my wife that she had just eaten rat poison,
but she would have kept trying to bring it up.

I've almost finished my physics home work.
I just need to figure out what force times distance equals and that will be the work done.

Local News: Red tape holds up bridges.
There was me thinking Duct tape was the strongest.

I was a bit nervous at first... It was long and went straight up! I eased myself onto it and I loved it! Before I knew it, I was going up and down on it!
Boy, do I love escalators!

I was recently reading a book on how to control your over confidence issues.
Soon realised I was above it.

My mate had a fully-automatic rifle in his hand, and started shooting a group of paki's walking by.
I had a semi.

I just saw a guy with 2 prosthetic arms and 2 prosthetic legs having an epileptic fit. I found it really upsetting,
I hate seeing people fall to pieces like that.

Apparently going on holiday you have to put your belongings into some sort of box with a lock on.
I had no idea that was the case.

My neighbours Mr and Mrs Przemyslawski are getting a divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences.
They're just poles apart.

I like to steal women's underwear from their washing lines in the middle of the day.
I'm a bit of a frill seeker.

I've been playing poker on Facebook.
So far I've poked 113 women, but not a one of them have poked me back.

I spent last night in a cell.
I dreamt I was a spreadsheet.

I took a DNA test.
Now they don't have the proof that i'm the father.

My grandad was the best milk farmer back in the day.
He was legendairy.

I feel awful today. Last night I drowned my Sorrows after the England match. Problem is, Sorrows is my cat.

My wife phoned me today to tell me that the fire alarm had gone off.
I didn't even realise it had a sell by date.

My mate has lost both arms in a car crash.
I can't even imagine how he's feeling.

What do you get if you multiply the force applied to a wizard by its perpendicular distance?
Magic moments.

You know your getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

I miss my wife's cooking... every chance I get.

Oi! Anthony Worrall! Thats nacho cheese, put it back!

The Iron Lady is a rubbish film. Tony Stark isn't even in it.