I ordered the trout in a restaurant last night
"Get me a beer from the bar while we wait for the menus" i said to my wife

Just finished reading a book on the best way to fix down a carpet.
It was gripping.

Self-harm is never the answer. Unless the question is "what should Piers Morgan's next career move be?"

So Stephen Hendry has retired from Snooker.
Clearing up a table was never a mans job.

My Dad was behind bars for 30 years, he never got a chance to see me grow up.
Heck of a barman he was.

My wife's leaving me because of my obsession with goats.
Fortunately we don't have any kids.

This morning I saw 2 little boys wearing turbans, I asked them "are you Sikhs?"
The bigger one said "No, he's Sikhs and I'm eight."

You can find everything to know about DJs on wiki-wiki-wikipedia.

Statistically, seven tenths of a rap artist is a rapist.

I just rang my local council worker to tell him about a large crater-like pothole on our road.
He said he'd look into it

I've just joined a gym and still getting used to things.
This bloke was lying on a bench, about to lift some weights when he stopped and said to me "excuse me mate, can you spot me?"
I looked at him puzzled "well yeah, you're right in front of me"

Lady Gaga says she has the coolest fans.
Which is the whole point in having a fan, isn't it?

Exams are like girls, they ask too many questions and are hard to understand... but it feels good when you've nailed one.

After seeing the physique of the men during the swimming relay, I was inspired to do something.
So I sat down, ate ice cream, and cried at my inadequacy.

How can you best describe the person sleeping over the wet patch?
Overcome.

How anyone finds Jordan attractive, is beyond me.
The place is just a giant desert, crawling with Arabs.

My local pub has recently undergone a make-over to attract a younger crowd, they've done it all out in black and are targetting the emo/goth kids in the area.
It's now called The Self 'Arms.

Where's the best place to find fossils?
Wetherspoon's at lunch time.

Last night my girlfriend said to me "tonight i'm your present"
So I wrapped her.

After having a meal with my girlfriend, I offered to run her home.
It's the last time I do that, I was almost at a walk when I got there.

People always say that you can never beat the bookies.
Well I'm going to Plumpton with my baseball bat tomorrow and I've got
twenty quid that says I can.

There was a jelly party at a nightclub at the weekend.
I couldn't get past the bouncers.

Whilst going up in a lift today, I asked the attendant why it literally took seconds to get past the first few floors, yet one of the floors took well over five minutes, even though we were doing the same speed.
"It's a bit of a long story that one", he replied.

A bat has just flown in through my window.
Never did get on with the cricket ground next door.

Old Trafford is certainly living up to the 'Theatre of Dreams' billing.
Especially with Shrek, Zorro and Scarface playing.