I was running a sports day for a group of kids with Aspergers
'' Here's a bat and ball, knock yourselves out''
Easiest money i've ever made...

BBC News: Schwarzenegger U-turn on drilling
"What's this Arnie, a total recoil?"

I'm so good at dreaming I could do it in my sleep.

I asked my friend why R.E.M split up. He said the other band member's weren't Michael's type.

I was at the hospital when an optometrist accidentally fell into a lens grinder.
He made a spectacle of himself.

Went to my work's fancy dress do as a shoe last night.
I was the life and sole of the party.

Job Application: Describe yourself.
An informal Noun, 2 syllables.

An electrician was out late one night and met his wife in the kitchen as he sneaked in the front door.
His wife asked, "Wire ya insulate?"
He replied, Watts it to ya, I'm ohm, ain't I?

I have a reputation for selling the best Ketamine.
That's straight from the horse's mouth.

I'm hoping that someone will tell me when my days of acting in Pantomime are behind me.

My wife came back from work yesterday and yelled at me "All my friends' husbands have bought an original pink and brown Juicy handbag!"
I replied, with a wink, "Ok love, but tonight you'll have to provide some pink and brown for me"
I was astonished when she nodded in agreement. I had always dreamt of this moment and it was finally here.
And, without fail, I went upstairs that night, and was not disappointed. It was just as good as I had ever imagined.
My very own snooker table.

My wife asked me to do some jobs around the house.
So I cut the neighbours lawns and swept the road.

My school are putting on a play based around Burger King.
I'm playing a very important roll.

I've just heard about Dusty Springfield...
Matt Groening should start drawing some hoovers.

Where do sheep get there mobiles from?
Phones for ewe.

My girlfriend claims that I haven't taken a wash in 6 days.
I'll shower.

I broke my X-Box the other day. My dad bought me a PS3 to console me.

What comes before M?
James Bond at the wild MI6 Christmas party

Video Game Developer Award.
Even if you're a winner, you're still a loser.

I was on a hunting trip in North America once with a few mates.
We saw a sign on the road that said "BEAR LEFT"
So we went home.

Jokes about controls.
They're not even remotely funny.

Me and the wife were arguing about why there was a draw in our house with nothing inside it.
I told her to put a sock in it.

The bank want to repossess my tree-house. They say I haven't kept up my mortgage payments but I'm convinced it's just a mix-up from when I moved branches.

I was going to tell a joke about Anthony Worrall Thompson shoplifting.
But I reckon you'll all whine because it's too cheesy.

I got a lump in my throat watching my son marry a black girl.
Cancer I hope.