Racehorse goes into a bar. The bouncer says, "You can't come in here with those trainers".

Manslaughter: The sound heard while watching women park their cars.

I have always been upset about an accident that happened to me as a child involving super glue at dinner time.
I guess i'll always have a chip on my shoulder

I was sacked from my job working for Samsung today, all because I was selling the latest tablets.
Apparently its not permitted to sell drugs on the shop premises.

I just started a furniture company.
It's going well sofa...

I took my car to auction yesterday.
It didn't buy anything though.

People call me The Stunt Man.
I had a disease that stopped me growing.

I bought an invisible plane
Now I am a master of disguise

After my girlfriend cheated on me I thought I would hack her phone.
All I ended up with was a broken phone and a blunt machete.

I have this crazy stalker girl demanding money from me. What kind of name is Mortgage Company anyway? French?

My sister fell for the worst snake scam ever...
Anna conned her

I'm a lesbian and I can tell you,
A bird in the hand is not better than two in the bush.

A mathematics teacher was stopped trying to board a plane at Heathrow today carrying a slide rule, a protractor and a calculator.
He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Last night I had a chicken strip.
It took some convincing but after ten minutes it was totally naked.

Abortions are like cream eggs.... How do you eat yours?

i've hidden my daughter underneath a scottish shipping barge surrounded by a large amount of water.
I like to keep her under loch and quay.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted a threesome with Pink.
She said "God no, sounds awful!"
"Oh don't worry" I replied "She won't be singing."

I got a call from my seven year old's school today.
They reckon he's way too young to run his own school.

People who are interested in flower pressing should take a leaf out of my book.

I once tried to boil mercury in my kettle.
It completely destroyed the element.

I just couldn't get rid of a horrible headache earlier today, or the 'wife' as she prefers to be called.

I said, "I quite fancy that girl over there"
My mate said, "Go and ask her out".
I said, "Seriously?"
He said, "No, wear a funny wig and do a stupid walk while you're doing it"

My mate asked me if I wanted to pop along to erectile dysfunction club earlier.
I wasn't up for it.

I was sick of all those black youths hanging around in the forest outside my house...
so I cut the ropes

I would buy a big issue, but I've only got smallish feet.