Abortions are like cream eggs.... How do you eat yours?

i've hidden my daughter underneath a scottish shipping barge surrounded by a large amount of water.
I like to keep her under loch and quay.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted a threesome with Pink.
She said "God no, sounds awful!"
"Oh don't worry" I replied "She won't be singing."

I got a call from my seven year old's school today.
They reckon he's way too young to run his own school.

People who are interested in flower pressing should take a leaf out of my book.

I once tried to boil mercury in my kettle.
It completely destroyed the element.

I just couldn't get rid of a horrible headache earlier today, or the 'wife' as she prefers to be called.

Even though I needed the toilet I decided to try to hold it in so I could stay at Newmarket to watch the last horse race.
Number two won.

What do you call a gun that fires custard?
A trifle.

My wife and I were out walking this morning, when we walked past a lovely 6 bedroom bungalow with a "For Sale" sign outside it.
I said, "Look darling, that house has my name on it."
Even at my age, vandalism is still pretty funny.

I can't believe my wife didn't know what bukkake meant ...
I wouldn't let it drop and rubbed her nose in it all day.

My doctor has just told me that I have male genitalia somewhere inside my body,
I'm finding it hard to grasp.

I shut myself in my room for a month and didn't talk to anyone after my Xbox, PS3 and Wii all broke.
I was inconsolable.

What do you get when you chuck a dinosaur out of an aeroplane?
Terminal Velociraptor.

Needed some practice in arguing today so went to the gym and spent an hour on the rowing machine.

I put up a net in my back garden to try & catch the Grim Reaper, but the council told me to take it down.
They said it was a death trap.

Victoria's Secret
"I'm a man"

I had a plaque made to commemorate my father's life. I threw it out promptly however.
Did you know they were a leading cause of tooth decay?

I work in a gun dealership, specialising in pistols. I came in to work one day, and realised that someone had stolen part of the sign, leaving only 'tols'
Someone was really taking the pis

On my first day as a security guard in a Newcastle business I threw a bloke out for smiling.
Seems I misunderstood the 'nur smirking law'

I love going to rock concerts and crowd surfing but I usually end up getting carried away.

Didn't realise the dinner party I was attending was actually a multi faith cannibal's banquet. I found out in Jew course

"Freak Like Me - featuring a girl who's 18 and still sucks a dummy"
That's nothing - Victoria Beckham does it and she's 36

Driving along, an Indian lady sees a sign that reads
'ACCIDENT HERE - THURSDAY - CAN YOU HELP?'
and thinks, "Yeah, i could probably arrange that"

I have never really been one for beating around the bush when it comes to women.
I normally just stick it straight in there.