I can't understand why no parents would let their kids join my string quartet
Things are looking bleak for my group The Kiddy Fiddlers

I was telling everybody how I really loved my latest job, helping to write a new thesaurus, but now they've sacked me.
That's urinated on my pyrotechical display.

I'm trying to think of something to right, but the words wont come out write.

The wife gave birth early to a lump of Cheddar last night.
It was pre mature.

I was doing a crossword earlier...
7 ACROSS - 'Not very manageable'
CH_L_ENGING
It wasn't difficult.

It angers me when I see people using the word 'literally' in the wrong context.
I will literally kill myself if I see it again

I've been hitting the weights at the gym.
It would be easier to lift them really.

I take a bit of pride in my job as a lion thief.

Even though I needed the toilet I decided to try to hold it in so I could stay at Newmarket to watch the last horse race.
Number two won.

What do you call a gun that fires custard?
A trifle.

My wife and I were out walking this morning, when we walked past a lovely 6 bedroom bungalow with a "For Sale" sign outside it.
I said, "Look darling, that house has my name on it."
Even at my age, vandalism is still pretty funny.

I can't believe my wife didn't know what bukkake meant ...
I wouldn't let it drop and rubbed her nose in it all day.

My doctor has just told me that I have male genitalia somewhere inside my body,
I'm finding it hard to grasp.

I shut myself in my room for a month and didn't talk to anyone after my Xbox, PS3 and Wii all broke.
I was inconsolable.

What do you get when you chuck a dinosaur out of an aeroplane?
Terminal Velociraptor.

Needed some practice in arguing today so went to the gym and spent an hour on the rowing machine.

I put up a net in my back garden to try & catch the Grim Reaper, but the council told me to take it down.
They said it was a death trap.

Victoria's Secret
"I'm a man"

I had a plaque made to commemorate my father's life. I threw it out promptly however.
Did you know they were a leading cause of tooth decay?

I work in a gun dealership, specialising in pistols. I came in to work one day, and realised that someone had stolen part of the sign, leaving only 'tols'
Someone was really taking the pis

On my first day as a security guard in a Newcastle business I threw a bloke out for smiling.
Seems I misunderstood the 'nur smirking law'

I love going to rock concerts and crowd surfing but I usually end up getting carried away.

Didn't realise the dinner party I was attending was actually a multi faith cannibal's banquet. I found out in Jew course

"Freak Like Me - featuring a girl who's 18 and still sucks a dummy"
That's nothing - Victoria Beckham does it and she's 36

Driving along, an Indian lady sees a sign that reads
'ACCIDENT HERE - THURSDAY - CAN YOU HELP?'
and thinks, "Yeah, i could probably arrange that"