I went to a University Challenge-themed restaurant.
I thought the mains were a bit pricey at 25 pounds each so I just got a starter for 10.

I went to the Natural History Museum and saw the two bees that Noah supposedly took with him.
They were in the archives.

I got battered on the weekend.
Then served with chips, mushy peas and a lemon wedge.
That put me in my plaice.

This has to be the coldest November in twelve months...

I take a bit of pride in my job as a lion thief.

I've got a brown paper bag, it really takes my breath away.
Then gives me it back again.

I went into a stationary shop to buy some paper clips but they gave me metal ones.

I heard the AA are going on strike...
Does that mean their going to give up drinking then?

I'm the breadwinner.
These Bakery raffles are getting boring now.

I was devastated when my house burnt down with my wife inside.
I should have waited until she got out of prison.

I'm a fan of sky sports.
I managed to shoot a couple of paragliders down yesterday.

DJ Baby P can't mix tapes,
but Madeleine McCann.

I went to Billy Haley's Chip shop the other night. "I said what fish have you got".
He said we've got "Skate, Haddock and Sole".

The Sun makes me really sticky.
Maybe I should just skip page 3

There was a demonstration in town yesterday; people with placards saying "Remember Victims of the Arms Race".
For the rest of the day I thought hard about the poor T Rex.

Whats the difference between Sickipedia and an identical twin?
You don't bury an identical twin just because its a duplicate.

The girlfriend asked me if I liked her little "surprise".
While I was asleep she covered me in a combination of hardwood, parquet, carpet and ceramic tiles.
"Liked" doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. She completely floored me.

Although I am a fan of all the Thomas 'Mueller Corner' jokes there have been on here I can't help but feel international football's comentary wordplay reached its zenith at Euro 96 in the days of Seaman coming out to smother Kuntz

My mate keeps trying to convince me he is a savoury biscuit.
I think he's crackers

I just bought myself the ADD version of

I invested all my money into a potato farm which went bankrupt, my life is in taters.

It would make sense for shortcuts to be longer.
If they were quicker they would just be called 'the way'.

I failed the test at the end of my anger management course.
It was a cross examination.

I just thought of a great name for my new brothel that i've opened up.
I couldn't have it though, apparently "Gash4Gold" was already taken?

People that start revolutions are just going around in circles.