So I was round at my nan's on Sunday for tea and cakes, she'd put on a real good spread but asked me not to talk with my mouth full.
SO I CRUMBED ON HER FACE!!!

Ant is ill, after sleeping with his partner for years.
It's Decades.

I just bought some new scales for the bathroom,
It looks like a fish now.

When people ask me "plz" instead of "please" because it shorter, I say "no" because its shorter than "yes"

I saw a freak wave in Blackpool today.
Down Syndrome people are far too energetic.

"I decided to become an organ donor for my 12 year old daughter last week!"
"So, that's why you stole it from the local church?", the police officer asked.

As I stood by the clock factory which was burning to the ground, where I had worked for the last 10 years. I couldn't help but think I was inhaling second hand smoke.....

I'll never forget the day I met Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher in Liverpool.
It was the same day my Wallet, watch and wedding ring were stolen.

I was making a speech at a funeral earlier.
'As my late Dad would say, life goes on'.
Then my Dad arrived and we buried my mother.

The wife's on the way back to our house for her birthday dinner but she'll be horrified to find out I've burnt it to a crisp.
I did salvage the dinner though, and that looks delicious

This hot weather we're having at the moment has started to make my eyes go puffy.
I can't stop looking up mens shorts.

Watching Trooping the Colour earlier, I noticed stains on some of the uniforms of the Irish, Welsh and Coldstream guards.
There were none on the Scotchgard's though.

I won't be buying another razor from Liverpool.
The one I've got nicks everything.

What do you get if you cross a human with a dog?
Arrested

I hate people who say that age is just a number.
'Age' is clearly a word.

Teacher."No Tony we cant play say your name backwards"
Tony,"y not".

What's a mexicans favourite book?
Tequila Mockingbird

I often wonder what people say when they're leaving each other in foreign languages.
I'm bye-curious.

Did you hear about the travelling street cleaner who cleaned a different city in the UK everyday??
He's really sweeping the nation.

My friend makes pound coins.
He does some sterling work.

A mate phoned last week inviting me round his house for dinner. I said I'd be there in a jiffy.
Imagine his surprise when I turned up wearing a huge bubble wrap lined brown envelope.

Getting the bus to school this morning, the driver asked me something which made me suspect he might be a paedophile.
I clambered on and said, "Belfast, please."
He turned to look at me and asked, "Single?"

A teacher told me my daughter was advanced for her age.
I said, "I know, she's got a great pair for a thirteen year old".

BBC News: "Hospital rap over medicine errors".
Is there a 'Scrubs' record out?

I was arrested last night for driving whilst 3 times over the limit.
210 mph on the motorway.