My wife is outstanding.
I've locked the door.

Got my exam results today in the post.
I'm pleased with the A. Don't what I means, D isn't great and I'm not sure what S is for.

My butler died of hearing loss.
He walked through the valet of deaf.

I sometimes confuse X with hug and O with kiss.
Anyway, my mate said he is never playing Tic-Tac-Toe with me again.

My mate said to me ''I'm sick of everyone talking about games they used to play in the playground!''
''Tell me about It'' I said.

I was out clubbing last night when some bloke called me a muppet. I was furious. But, my mum was right when she said "Kermit, you take things to heart too easily."

I threw open the doors of the Lamborghini owners convention and shouted-
''I came in a Lamborghini!!''
A rather posh looking bloke came up to me and said-
''Sir, we all did, and I think you mean ARRIVED in a Lamborghini''
''No'' I replied, ''I meant came. One of you idiots left your window down and I've ruined your front seats.''

My mate sells E's for 10 each.
You've got to decide how much you want to win that game of Scrabble.

My car alarm went off before.
I didn't even know there was a best before date on it.

I had a fry up the other day.
That's the last time I go backstage at QI.

Since I lost my job my whole life has been pointless.
Followed by eggheads at six.

My girlfriend left me because I wouldn't let her ride in my time machine.
I'll never take her back.

My Nan is very aware of ethnic problems in our community.
She even has a couple of coloured friends.
Hazel & Violet.

I bought a dog the other day and they told me it was a pedigree.
When I got it home, I wasn't sure if it was a 100% pedigree dog, so I asked for other people's opinions they all said the same, they were not sure.
So, I took it back to the pet shop and it turns out it's a borderline collie.

I saw a anorexic vampire earlier and I said to him, "What's wrong with you?"
He said, "I've been eating necks to nothing."

So a truck full of Marmite crash and spilled everywhere.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.

In hindsight, I shouldn't have picked "DJ Orange" as my stage name.
I can't find anyone to rhyme with me.

Yesterday, I bought 10 pairs of socks for 1.
Greatest bargain I've ever come across.

What's the difference between Auschwitz and Butlins?
The shower's work at Auschwitz.

After my fertility test, the doctor gave me a thumbs up.
It felt wrong but he told me it was standard procedure.

I was on talking to my mate over a walkie talkie when I asked him "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
He replied, "I think we're on the same wavelength here."

"Italian ship crew are in denial"
Let's hope they can navigate that a little better.

Profit from death is gross.

Suicide is a dying trend

These really sharp ikea knives are bleeding me dry.
I keep having to buy new ones because they get stuck in my victims.