Midgets are no longer getting served in my local.
They say it's discrimination, but I think that the pub's just raising the bar.

I'm not a bitter man,
I just prefer lager.

Where do broken hearts go?
In the bin outside a hospital

My wife has always stood by me.
If she behaves I might let her sit down.

Crime is rife among dyslexic arsonists.

I read an article about using your brain.
It got me thinking.

My wife kept threatening to leave me because she says she's sick of my infatuation with Tommy Cooper.
She just left me.
Just like that.

I couldn't get to chess club as its on the corner and I can only move diagonally

For sale: incomplete pack of playing cards, 2.50, No Jokers

My worst experience was having to sit through 24 hours of Destiny's Child music for charity.
I'm a survivor.

.backwards sentences my say always i because me left wife My

BBC news: 'shocking' decline seen in oceans.
Well the sequels are never as good are they.

Pharaoh nough.
A rather laid back Egyptian king.

My mate handed me a broken valium pill last night.
It was a bit of a downer.

Today at work I stood up in front of all my colleagues and said "an occupation or profession, especially one requiring special training, followed as one's lifework".
It was a career defining moment.

Channel 5's Programme:
'Danger: Diggers at Work' is one letter away from being the most lied about tv programme ever!

I've just won a job as a pub owner.
Get inn!

I cook a mean spag bol. This one just told me I'll die alone.

Last night a gang of chavs attacked me with torches. I punched their lights out.

I've just got back from a milf hunting lads holiday in Reykjavik.
Turns out mums don't go to Iceland.

I just sold my organs so that my son can go to university
I'm going to miss those Harmonicas

I was talking to some bird last night wearing the most amazing red dress.
It really complimented my figure, but she wasn't interested.

Apparently, more than two thirds of people in this country refuse to leave a tip.
I must be one of the other third, because I'm never at the tip for more than a few minutes at a time.

I've just opened up a drinks shop in town called 'The Green Mile'.
We only sell large black coffees.

I've just had a bit of trouble taking down my Christmas tree.
This would never have happened in my wrestling days.