Every 15 minutes, I have to put pepper spray in my eyes whilst listening to thumping house tunes.
I'm totally addicted to mace.

I don't know why I bother listening to all these pirate radio stations.
I can't understand a word of Somali.

What's the square root of 69?
Ate something.

I bought two herb propagators, but one of them's broke.
The Sage one's fine, but the Basil's faulty.

My wifes been cooking for just over an hour now.
It serves her right for marrying an cannibal.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a registered six offender.

Yahoo News: "Egyptians vote in run-off"
That'll be even funnier than when people walk like an Egyptian.

As the rollercoaster began to climb, my girlfriend said, "When we go over the top, you have to put your hands in the air and go weeee".
The people behind us got more than they bargained for.

My girlfriend is extremely eye-catching.
I wish she would wear a prosthetic hand rather than her hook.

I tried to catch the train today for the first time in years, but I missed it.
Times have changed

I am always much happier when I am on the dole.
Tesco's own pineapple chunks just aren't the same.

I'm sick of typing LOL I wish it had an abbreviation.

I like to tell my girlfriend she's humorous. Its not that shes funny, just she's a good bone

I got joggers nipple today.
She ran away before I could bite the other one off though.

A man walks into the library and asks if they have an unpopular work on Chinese Communism.
The librarian says, "What, a little read book?"

Puppet theft is starting to get out of hand.

I took a strange green pill last night that made me walk aimlessly for six hours.
Apparently it's the new wander drug.

Someone is having a BBQ 1760 yards from me,
I can smell it a mile off.

My wife supports me in everything I do.
I'm usually too drunk to stand up on my own.

I witnessed a robbery at my local Locksmith the other day.
I got told i was a key robbery witness.

I had to give up my job as a miner.
Everytime I was down the pit I felt light-headed.

PG movies are overrated.

My doctor just told me I've got one of the strongest digestive systems in the world.
Well, I'll eat my hat.

My little boy knows all his numbers from 1 to 9 but he's never heard of zero.
They don't teach them nothing at school these days.

I got jumped by a bunch of kids last night.
You've got to admire their dedication to leap frog.