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That's messed up.

I was learning how to walk the other day.
I got step - by - step instructions.

Want to add insult to injury.
Injuryinsult

Does Hurricane Dave spin round in the same place over and over again?

I'm going to treat my wife this weekend.
Some wood varnish should do the trick.

There's been no post in my town for the last week. If there isn't any by tomorrow, we're going to have to use jumpers as goals.

What's the easiest way to spot a black man?
With white paint.

I got chucked off the set of Dragons Den yesterday.
It would appear a real life version of the popular computer game "Minesweeper" is more dangerous then first thought.

I used to get depressed about being under the minimum height but I'm over it now

Forrest Gump said that "life is like a box of chocolates"... but I think those chocolates are more like the kids at a school disco...
The vast majority have nuts, and the ones that don't are picked up and eaten out before anyone else gets a look in.

I took some cheese round to my mates house today, but it didn't go down very well.
There's stiltons left.

So I heard that French gunman jumped out of a window.
I guess he had nothing Toulouse.

Have you had a child that you weren't expecting? Let us take care of it for you.
No Nanny McWin, no Nanny McPhee.

I beat all the odds, and was banned from the freak show for life.

When I heard my long term unemployed best mate had started seeing a woman who lives on benefits with 6 kids, I could only think one thing.
They will never work.

I just made an apple and blackberry smoothie,
I don't think my parents are going to be happy that I blended their phones

My dad always wanted to be run over by a steam train.
When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.

I was supposed to pick up seven professional clowns today.
But I couldn't find a car small enough.

I read a book about Kurt Cobain.
I say 'read', but I more or less just rifled through it.

A fresh Al Qaeda bomb plot has been foiled by the metropolitan police.
Which is probably what kept it fresh in the first place.

I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off?"
"We don't do higher perches", he replied.

I wanted to tell my wife that I'd broke her clock, but...
It's never been the right time.

I've just proposed to my imaginary girlfriend.
She's made up.

My mate was doing the crossword and he asked "What's the name for a small part of a tree that protrudes from the trunk?"
I said "Twig?"
He said "No, it's knot."

I had a TV Show about trees.
But it got axed.