I just recieved a letter from specsavers saying its been 4 years since i last had my eyes checked and i need to make an appointment as soon as possible.
I cant see it happening.

My senile mate keeps knocking on his own front door, Then going round the back to answer it. Don't think he knows what his letting himself in for.

Just got back from a bakers funeral.
Flour's everywhere.

I've made a Twitter account due to popular demand.
It's mostly me, demanding to become popular.

How often do i like jokes about Chemistry?
Periodically.

To be honest, you must always tell the truth.

I went to see a medium yesterday.
It was pretty average, although I feel mean saying that.

Doctor: "How are you feeling today?"
Patient: "With my hands mainly, same as yesterday."

My girlfriend dumped me because of my addiction to Monopoly
I begged her to give me another chance...

I ate a Shepherd's Pie today.
He was clearly not amused.

The Ventriloquists' Guild have responded with positive reviews for my new book "CPR for Dummies."

Which way do you turn the key to open a genuine Queen Anne dresser?
Antique-lock wise.

A man approached me in the bookies and whispered. "Listen, I can give you a bit of inside information for a small fee"
I said, "Really, how much?"
He said, "Twenty quid should do it"
I handed over the money and he said, "The UK's prison population is approximately 90.000"

How do I convince people I'm not black? Whenever I try to hook up with a girl they say they think of me like a brother.

I. O. U. A. vowel

I gave my German friend to the count of three to explain himself for the lack of moisture in his spaghetti...
I said, "Heinz, why dry?"

I've just opened a clinic in London for men with persistent thrush problems.
I'm going to call it 'Yeast Enders'

I walked into a library and asked the librarian for a book on absence.
Unfortunately they were all out.

I recently got banned from driving my Ford because of dangerous driving.
I just couldn't keep my focus

Decimals have a point.

I for one,will be 42 soon.

If the next Dr Who is female, will she be Dr Whoover?

After my walk from pole to pole i thought to myself,
"i should employ more british workers"

I couldn't decide whether to start a career at the sperm bank, or in telecommunications.
So I compromised and got a job at Siemen's.

I can't wait to stay in the brand new hotel I've just booked for my holiday, but I'm worried it won't live up to its billing.
I've definitely got my reservations.