The wife gave me five attempts to make an anagram out of 'Ultimate Pen'.
I did it with my 'Penultimate' effort

I've just bought a polystyrene door.
Twenty quid, you can't knock it.

The tips of my feet have been asleep for weeks, I'm really worried about them.
I think they're coma toes.

I went out on the town with my Thesauras Enthusiasts Club last night.
We coated the large village scarlet.

The landlord collapsed while I was standing at the bar the other night and someone shouted that I should check his vital signs.
Thankfully the 'Fire Exit' and the 'No Smoking' one were still there.

Times are hard for plumbers, I had to take a job refitting Ronnie Corbett's bathroom.
I never thought I'd sink that low.

BBC News: "How to spot British ladybirds."
What you need:
A fine tipped paintbrush
Black acrylic paint

Every Monday morning I walk past twin pensioners in the park.
Same old same old.

I was walking down the street the other day, and a guy beckoned me over to him. When I got there he said "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else."
I said, "I was."

I saw a sign outside our town hall that said Today - Bring and Bi Sale.
I went in because I'm curious.

When I found out my wife was cheating on me with a clown, I drowned him in a vat of grease paint remover.
That wiped the smile off his face.

I hate people that use over-commonly phrases wrong.
Just to be on the safe side.

I'm a kleptomaniac and my favourite pop group is Take That,
and that, and this, and those and .............

I've started drinking a new drink, it's called Abrahams, sorry Mountain Jew.

What kind of ape can you cook bacon on?
G'rilla

There I was about to take my first ever bungee jump.
My mate shouted, "Do you feel like a bird?"
"This isn't a good time," I replied. "Buy her a drink and tell her I'll meet her in the pub later."

My local Fish 'n' Chip had a notice outside saying: "We'll Batter Anything For You".
So I gave them my wife.

They say that all roads lead to Rome.
Imagine my disappointment when I tried to take a shortcut on the M25.

I got canned from work at the juice factory because I couldn't concentrate.

I've lived in Chester for years but i'm still a die hard City fan.
Like I say, you can take the man out of Manchester...
Oh, hang on.

I remember growing up, dad left and mum had to sell her body just to feed us.
You'd be surprised how much a healthy kidney fetches on the blackmarket.

When people say 'He's an unsavoury character', doesn't that mean he's sweet?

They say you should always dress for the job you want.
But I'm having a hard time figuring out how to dress like a blow.

BBC News: Kate Middleton may provide a boost to the Royal Family.
Doesn't she know the Queen likes Double Deckers?

I'm still not sure how I feel about that Poets and Criminals club meeting.
It had some prose and cons.