I've started working with this guy called Mr Rius, thats all I can find out about him.

My relationship with my wife ended when she let herself go. Rock climbing wasn't the best idea for our honey moon.

I was just about to buy a dvd of James Nesbitt's Murphy's Law.
But at the last minute, I got cold feet.

Apparently Jason Statham does all of his own stunts.
That may be impressive, but I bet he still needs a double to do all the acting for him.

Who's the most vague person in the military?
General Direction.

One swallow does not make a summer, but one spit can sure make a fall.
Down the stairs.

I heard that the BBC Asian network is to be taken over by a rock and metal based radio station.
Qur'ang Radio.

I keep all my money with my late grandad's ashes.
After all, a penny saved is a penny urned.

I've just had all my garden ornaments blown up by landmines.
Guess it was my own fault for leaving them in Gnome mans land.

I was in a car with a friend in Germany when he took an odd road.
"Hey," I said, "this isn't the way home."
"Vee need sausage!" he claimed.
I guess he took a turn for the wurst.

I found out Einstein was having an affair with my wife.
I confronted him and said, "What's the big idea?"
In the two hours of his explanation, never understood a word he said.
But I could tell, he knew the gravity of the situation.

My dad has loads of photos of his blood vessels around the house.
He's so vein.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
The survivors were marooned.

Convicted criminals run in my family.

Just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and can't get it out!
I'll tell you what, i'm in a right pickle!

I was born with a Maris Piper growing from the side of my head.
I've since had it amputatoed.

A German got into a weird state of mind, got confused then got lost.
He didn't know vertigo.

I rang the call centre looking for a job.
The man said, "Have you got any telephone skills?"
"Well," I replied. "I phoned you."

Does anybody else enjoy eating finely shredded brains?
Grate minds and all that...

Finding another meaning for the word simple should be quite easy.

Every day i get to bend over children and tell them to open wide.
I love being a dentist.

Im Rich Beyond My Wildest Dreams.
I still don't have any money, I just changed my name to make myself feel better.

I was in a club last night when I started speaking to a beautiful young lady who unfortunately happened to be in a wheelchair. After an hour or so of chatting, I plucked up the courage to ask for her phone number.
I've just tried to ring her, but I couldn't get through though,
Must have been because it was an Invalid number.

I just recently bought a computer shaped like a car.
It crashed

I took up fencing the other day.
The neighbour wasnt too happy though.