I've been looking into the pros and cons of optical laser surgery.
It's been a real eye opener.

I don't know what defeat means. I'm not hard, just really stupid.

Just paid for a new set of hubcaps, just so I can tell my mates I've had a rimjob.
I may be a lot of things, but I am not a liar.

I'm going to take advantage of my woodland this weekend, and do some camping with the lads.
We're not drinking though, We want to get to 3rd prestige.

I wish I could see Muslim women's necks.
Sorry, my English is not good. What I mean to say is, I wish I could saw Muslim women's necks.

I went to a pole dancing club last night.
Unfortunately, it was just Peter Crouch doing the robot.

Things are really going to be rocking in my house tonight
One of the legs has fallen off the dining room table.

A bloke came up to me in the street today and threw a jigsaw at me for no reason whatsoever.
I was puzzled.

From now on, i'm going to be totally ruthless.
I hope it doesn't rain though.

A man with no soul leaves no footprints.

Not many people can reach my high standards. I keep them on the roof of my castle.

Just been to a secret meeting of revolutionary librarians.
It was all very hush hush.

I used to sit on the dubious goals panel.
One guy told us his ambition was to have the world's largest collection of children's shoes.

I decided to try a new method of attempting to kill my wife by using a knife and fork.
I ended up making a meal of it.

It was ten years to this day my son Lancelot died in a horrible riding accident.
I'll never forget that knight.

Why did the H blow himself up?
Because the G had.

I've started up a tribute internet band, the Black IP's.

Just got back from my mates 'Mars' themed fancy dress party.
Lacked Atmosphere.

My grandad was in Africa during WWII, he was a chef. He wasn't the bravest of men and when Rommels men attacked his base, my grandad fled his post leaving a souffle on the stove. The souffle caught fire, burning the whole camp to the ground.
He was eventually charged with "Deserting a dessert in the desert".

I ordered a pair of Italian loafers off the Internet the other day.
Imagine my surprise when two student stoners named Giuseppe and Tony turned up a few days later.

I'm an idiot. I just bought one of those bags for life.
Wasn't until I got home that I remembered I don't have a life.

I went up to my neighbours oak tree the other day and asked it how it was doing?
The oak just kept on saying "I'm Fine, I'm Fine" over and over again....
I guess his tree repeats itself.

50% of British adults have never been for an eye test.
They don't know what they're missing.

I'm refusing to let my wife shave.
She's going ape.

All play and no work makes Jack a dole boy.