One day, everybody will be nice. In the mean time, we'll just have to make do.

I tied the knot with my girlfriend yesterday.
We love going cub-scouts together.

Haven't dated for a while now.
It's no wonder why the Society of Archaeologists fired me.

"Romance is dead," said the necrophiliac.

In today's modern world, the chances of dying whilst on your laptop are as high as dying whilst

I've started putting No More Nails on my fingers because I'm lazy.

If got a self centred cat with a stutter.
It's all me-me-me-meow.

As I've got older, I'm now into soft rock.
The hard stuff plays havoc with my dentures.

I used to think about everything really deeply and seriously, but since i stopped my net-worth has hugely increased.
I guess you could say that I'm ex-pensive.

I told my Jamaican friend i was struggling to find a Faeces costume for an impending fancy dress party.
He told me not to be deterred.

I think my doctor fancies me.
He said I have acute paranoia.

Before my dad died he told me he wanted his remains placed in an urn on my bedside
It took a bit of work with the hacksaw but I got there eventually

The fear of something scary under your bed - Willemdafobia

What did one Vulture say to the other?
"Ive got a bone to pick with you".

There's so many jokes about coats! Jacket in right this instant.

I met a native American Indian once who could send message via a series of beats on a drum.
He didn't half bang on about it though.

My mate said he knows someone who's selling a cheap calculator.
But I wouldn't count on it.

I was talking to a man who made his fortune selling white kitchen goods.
"That must make you a Fridge Magnate," I suggested.

My six year old cancer stricken daughter wants a pony for Christmas.
Does anyone know where I can get a cheap wig and a hair band?

I was talking to a cube the other day, I couldn't get a word in edgeways...

My grandfather got arrested for poaching yesterday,
Which Is strange as he's always had his eggs that way.

When the world runs out of element 15, there will be no Phosphorusphorus.

BBC News: Jon Obi Mikel's dad, Michael, has been kidnapped.
Surely someone's taking the Mick?!

My Motorhead tribute band has just released its first single, in support of Comic Relief.
We've called it 'Race of AIDS'.

I thought about putting up a "No Vacancy" sign at my hotel.
But there wasn't any room.