I have an irrational fear of warrior princesses ..... I must be a Xenaphobe.

I have written and published - without the help of anyone else - a book about independence.

Got a few funny looks when I was eating my Caesar Salad at work before.
I don't think there's anything wrong with a bit of cat food.

I was recently cast in a play about computers and technology, but I can't seem to remember many of my lines.
JavaScript?

Maybe my new transparent wrapping paper was a bad idea but at
least I made my presents known.

My mate is an idiot.
He sent me a text the other day: "So malia for a last minute lads holiday?"
I replied: "YES!"
Just touched down in Somalia...

Apple have teamed up with Aston Villa to copyright Alex McLeish's tactics. They're calling the method the iSore.

My wife said that she wanted to do fore-play tonight.
So I bought two more Xbox controllers and invited two more mates over.

I was practicing my potting technique in the local snooker club yesterday when the manager approached me and said...
"Get out and take that soil with you!"

Herbs are notoriously smug about their anagrams, but tarragon is just arrogant.

My maths teacher gave me additional subtraction as a punishment. I don't know how to take it..

I asked Paris Hilton, "Do you have many faults?"
"I have lots!" she replied giggling, "That's where I keep all my money and jewelry."

I didn't know why treating my wife like an object got her so angry. And then it hit me.

My nails are up to scratch.

I'm really good at starting fights at football matches.
I've got a flare for it.

A tramp has joined my choir.
He hums.

I made a belt out of loads of asteroids, stars, moondust and planets the other day....

Just read on the BBC website about an old woman in Durham who set up a gym inside an old clapped out single decker bus.
Wonder if she'll be taking the sessions herself or bringing in some experienced coaches.

Every time I take my toucan to the vet...
I come back with a large bill.

What do you call a German with a bald head?
Herr loss.

My wife thinks I'm stupid and to prove her point she bought me an electronic pencil sharpener and said I'd be too thick to use it.
Of course I can't use it - I've been to every shop in town and I can't find an electronic pencil anywhere!

I saw an insomniac push a small blind boy down a hill today...i don't know how he sleeps at night.... the blind boy never saw it coming.

I tried to look up my psychiatrist's skirt.
I would have seen more if it wasn't for her Freudian slip.

I wrote a book once.. long story.

Siamese Twins: Nature Saying "If you can't beat em..."