I've been called a "sound system", a "ghetto blaster" and a "tape deck"....I cant help but think Im being stereotyped!

I rather enjoy breakdancing. It's just a shame it never leaves me any time to eat my lunch.

I caught my wife smoking in bed again last night.
I'm sick of telling her to bin that dodgy twenty year old electric blanket.

My kids are gone to stay with their Australian relatives.
Or as the judge called them, the "foster family".

I'm reading a book called Suicidal Mountaineers.
It has a lot of cliffhangers.

I blame my dyslexic parents for my transformer related bullying at school.
Fancy calling me Robot!

Working with shares, I was delighted when I found a live stock update app for my phone.
Like, right now, I know my cows are doing fine.

Went to visit my Gran the other day and saw a box of persil on top of her TV.
I said "Gran, what are you doing with that?"
Turns out she had no Ariel.

A talent for anagrams is often latent.

I can't believe the price of bubblewrap now days.
Five quid a pop.

I just got fired from my job today.
Taking a screen dump isn't what I thought.

I don't bellive in 'wiping the slate clean'...
Which is probably why my restaurant was closed down by environmental health.

I don't mind blacks or paki's.
My baby sitting business has a whites only policy.

Writing hieroglyphics isn't all that difficult.
You just have to know where the eye goes after the sea.

Walking through the market today, a red-headed bloke was shouting, "Get your baguettes! Thick and thin sliced loaves! Wholemeal, brown, white, seeded! Bloomers, rolls, baps and buns!"
Then he ran off.
I couldn't catch him though, he was the ginger bread man.

"Does your girlfriend scream and shout when she comes?"
"Nah, I gave her a key months ago."

I just got back from a conference about statistics,it was average.

A naked man told me I'm going to die tomorrow
It was a stark warning

Everyone thinks my new job's boring, but I love researching why rivers dry up.
It's just one ex stream to another.

I come from a broken home.
We'll never know why dad had so much faith in those cowboy builders.

I can tell by the looks I get in the changing rooms,that I am very blessed in the trouser department.
My wife really is an excellent tailor.

Wayne Rooney: "I love the noise when I come out of the tunnel."
Coleen: "That's me farting."

Me and my girlfriend have decided to take our relationship to the next level.
We're moving into the flat upstairs.

My girlfriend said she was in such a foul mood.
So i took her to KFC

I met a homeless secret agent the other day.
He said, "The name's Bond, Vagabond."