I'd like to tell you a bit about my personality.
I'm a very private and secretive person,
And that's about it really.

Sean Combs died last night.
Did he?
Yeah, that's the one.

Whenever I start a game of pool, I put on a Morris dancer costume, eat a Sunday roast, and belt out God Save The Queen.
I like to break with tradition.

I have very poor hand-eye coordinaton.
As for why, I just can't put my finger on it.

I was just going out when I noticed my first grey hair.
I could have dyed.

The wife said the kitchen tap was stuck.
I said " Don't faucet"

The wife said the kitchen tap was stuck.
I said " Don't faucet"

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

BBC News ..'Tense Kyrgyzstan holds referendum' ..
The scrabble adjudicators finally agreed 'Kyrgyzstan' was a proper noun, rather than a tense and still scored 234

A man applied for a job in a chippy and they asked him, "Have you ever battered a fish?"
"No, but I once stamped on a crab.", he replied.

There's a special way to handle soap in prison.
I soon picked it up.

I work for a newspaper and this midget I work with was saying he wants a cool sounding name to sign off his music reviews in the culture section
Apparently the "Metro-Gnome" didn't impress him too much

I've just started a job as a fishmonger and I'm having a lot of trouble with the scales.
God knows why I need to sing anyway.

I went to see an epileptic contortionist last night.
I said to myself "There's no way she's going to fit inside that box".

What's big, black & fat, got four stomach's, produces milk and needs to be shot?
My next door neighbour and her unborn triplets.

I don't know why Wife gets so upset with my constant lying.
I always make it up to her.

I've got a lot of respect for organ donors.
Those guys really put their heart into it.

What would you call today if you had a lisp?
Friday, thtupid.

What do you call a guy with a load of workout equipment on his head?
Jim

What cheese do you use to get a bear down from a tree?
Camembert.

I smoked this drug called Medusa.
It got me stoned.

I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them.
Unfortunately, the police call it theft.

It's at times like this i wish i had a watch.

My house is 2 stories high.
It used to be 3....... but thats another story!

I got into a fight with a Chav on Bonfire night.
I sparked him