I used to go out with an Olympic hurdler.
But she got over me.

A dyslexic has just been arrested for animal abuse.
He was caught playing felch with his dog.

Who's this Range Eggs chap that country folk want to free so much?

Coming up next,Freaky Bird.
Double bill.

My wife has won the highest award for cow herding.
That makes her the best in her field.

I've just been invited to a knees up.
Or as my girlfriend calls it, accompanying her to the gynaecologist.

"Did you know 'quilt' and 'cover' mean the same thing?"
"Duvet?"

I painted my boat beige,
it was plain sailing from then on..

I stole post-it note from my boss' office today...
I'm really going to stick it to the man.

I saw a group of people from Norfolk staring at an empty piece of land.
I thought "That's a vacant lot".

I thought I would be romantic and drink champagne from my wife's shoe.
I started to feel sleepy and sick.
I think she had laced it.

When the wife requested a 'celebrity fragrance' for her birthday I dont think 'cillit bang by Barry Scott' was what she had in mind

I challenged Ray Mears to a firelighting contest last week.
I used my zippo and he used just a tiny stick.
It was no match.

I was smiling and a Mexican person called me a racist word
That made my gringo

I gave my missus a right pasting today.
Serves her right for getting in the way whilst I'm wallpapering.

My friends all think I'm a genius because I studied at Yale...
I can't bear to tell them I'm a locksmith.

I've just finished a 10k race!
Bit of a high entrance fee, in retrospect...

I miss my ex-girlfriend sometimes.
But watching the innocent bystanders next to her fall down is almost as fun.

I wonder what the Cambridge University Netball Team shorten their name to.

The Michelin man wears some lovely attire.

I've started an admin job at a nail parlour.
I just sit there doing the filing all day.

My mate said to me "I've been offered a small apartment in the mountains, for just 50"
I said "Is it a Condo?"
He said "Nah, it seems legit"

I travelled to see a film that was screening for the first time, in Leicester square, so I slept overnight at a cheap hotel.
I went to a Premier Inn London

My wife said to me "I sense that your feelings towards me are rather ambivalent".
I replied "Well, yes and no".

The postman left me a card today to let me know my package was too large; that was nice of him.