I'm gonna give my psychiatrist a piece of my mind.

Just bought my first house but every month the mortgage leaves me in the red.
It's a period property.

After months of begging, I finally agreed to send my son to camp America this Summer.
I've just booked him a flight to San Francisco.

My wife gets bored very easily.
She just has to say something stupid and I get the electric drill out.

CNN: USA Might Be Unable To Pay Its Bills
Bobs, Johns and Toms were said to be unconcerned.

Lmao: What the French put on salad.

Tobogganing. That's gone downhill.

Just off for a quick fiddle with my kids.
They love it when I play young at heart.

Horse drawn carriages.
It's not the whinnying, it's the taking cart.

I went to see a 'Catwalk' in Paris because i heard its entertaining.
What a waste of time, they walk like any other cat i've seen.

My grandfather had a very short-lived breathing problem.
He drowned.

We dusted down the old tennis table the other day and the kids challenged me and the mother-in-law to a doubles game. They'll never hear the last of it ..
We surprisingly won considering I was playing with an old bat.

I can't get enough minimalism.

I saw an American family drowning so I threw them a funeral wreath.

I'm pretty knowledgeable in most areas, but I think that Greek mythology is my Achilles tendon.

News: 'Pensioner Mugged For Fun'.
What is this world coming to? I can't believe that an old person would enjoy mugging people.

I thoroughly enjoyed Wagner last night.
It's a long time since I've listened to Ride of the Valkyries.

Dogs aren't just for Christmas.
They're also for when you're very drunk and there's no good looking women left on the dance floor.

I like nothing more than a freshly baked loaf, straight out of the oven. Mmm, ...you just can't put a price on that.
The sticker falls off.

George Michael walked into Boots and said to the pharmacist, "I've got these terrible spots all over my face, is there anything you can recommend to treat them?" So the pharmacist recommended a product and asked if it was okay and George replied, "no, can you recommend something else please? I don't want your Freederm".

My girlfriend's eating for two.
I stood her up at the restaurant.

I walked in to an ice cream parlour I said "Do you serve sundaes?"
He said "No, we're closed."

While on holiday in Thailand I played a game of table tennis with a local girl .
She beat me but there was definitely something fishy about her serving technique

My wife told me to get her something hot and steamy she can use in the bedroom for Christmas.
What she wants with another iron is anybody's guess.

When I heard about a young boy falling down a deep hole, I welled up.