As I was walking home from the pub I saw a bloke on all four's in the middle of the road, I went up to him and asked him If everything Is ok? He replied ''I've lost it'', ''Lost what?'' I replied, ''My balance'' he answered.

I was making a cheese wrap earlier,
Sounded great!

I've been extremely skinny since birth.
If I had my whey it'd be different.

A man stopped me in the street today and asked me "Have YOU said no to drugs".
I replied "Of course, but they just don't seem to listen".

My wife was preparing some potatoes for our dinner, I asked "What time is dinner?" but she made no reply.
That's the first time she's ever been quiet a peeling.

My Queen tribute act didn't go down well tonight. The audience constantly heckled me.
I sung under pressure.

My Girlfriend likes to put roses on our bed to make it romantic.
I have to say, Its a real thorn in my side.

I walked into a corner shop
All they sold was yoghurt

An American with a charity tin walks into a library and says, "Sir, can you help? We're trying to raise a few bucks".
So the librarian gave him a shelf.

I'm not bothered about the transfer deadline today.
I'm old enough to get tattoos now.

I was walking through town the other day when I saw a huge spray painted message on a wall saying: "What force keeps all people and objects attracted to earth?"
It's graffiti.

I went to a Chinese restaurant yesterday evening.
The lights were too bright so I asked the waiter to Dim sum.

I HATE ALL BLACKS!!
Australia are ok though!

I invited a partridge, a grouse and a woodpigeon back to my place after the pub.
Game on.

I managed to get the most magnificent bird to come to my house the other day.
I think it was the trail of breadcrumbs that did it.

I was reading a textbook today.
It gave me tips on how to write SMS messages.

I keep getting electrocuted by an industrial 415 volt charge.
I suppose it must be a phase I'm going through.

I'm going to throw away my scissors,
they just don't cut it for me anymore.

I got one of those tracker mortgages yesterday.
The price of snack bars is getting ridiculous.

I always have Stella when I go to my local pub, all the other girls say no.

The abominable snowman could easily have defeated the Loch Ness monster. Yeti didn't.

My wife says I give up to easily.
"Je suis d'accord."

I'd give my right arm to play the guitar like Jimi Hendrix.

BBC News: "Glastonbury hopes for U2 return"
Excuse me? I've never been...

Dear Twilight fans,
Bella gets pregnant.
love,
Someone smart enough to read.