Just read the headline: "Dramatic fall in pupil expulsion"
Unbelievable, my eyes nearly popped out.

The word 'Fragile' gets thrown around a lot these days...
Especially if it's written on your luggage at Gatwick Airport...

After she caught me cheating on her for the second time, my wife demanded that I have more self-control.
So I put her in a head-lock.

Tom Cruise insulted me, so I made fun of his height.
Minority Retort.

I watched the Lord of the Flies last night.
Got bored pretty quickly; spiders don't move that much.

I just bought a luxury watch.
A one month subscription to the Playboy Channel.

When my girlfriend found a lump whilst examining herself I insisted on paying for her to go private and have it removed that very same day.
It's a big expense now, but in the long run it's cheaper than paying maintenance.

What has a bottom at the top?
A leg

My mates say that I'm always too soft on my girlfriend.
I said, "Of course I am, would you be able to get it up with something like that?"

I had a threesome with my sisters last night, i was quite reluctant but they incested on it.

My mate said to me, "Does every sentence have to contain a vegetable?"
I said, "Not nessacelery."

You should never contradict your girlfriend when she's on her period. Just go with the flow.

Apparently the secret to a successful joke is a punchline with a pop culture reference, so here goes:
Bubble wrap.

My friend insisted I went to his fancy dress party as a Jack in the Box.
I'm sure he's just trying to wind me up.

My kid just texted me "Dad, can you help me find my skateboard?"
I replied "I'm on it."

6 was chilling with his best mate, the square root of -1.
Everyone else thought it was a bit weird to be playing with an imaginary friend.

People say us accountants don't know the meaning of FUN,
Well I do, it's the Financial Union Newsletter...

I should really stop biting my nails.
I think the iron is wearing my teeth away.

She was moaning and soaking wet. It was starting to chafe and seemed to take forever, so I tried switching hands.
Me and the mrs carrying the shopping home earlier.

I was in a restaurant with my mate and his kid last week. I thought I'd wink at him to see if like most kids, he would just blink back with both eyes. When he winked perfectly back at me I was so surprised I exclaimed 'Wow that's amazing, kids almost NEVER wink back at you!' Hence why I'm writing this from prison

I'm doing some homework on Mexico and I just got a paper cut.
I'll get you back essay.

I have started to make a bukkake film with premature ejaculators.
It's coming together quickly.

Whats a gravediggers favourite song?
Everyday I'm shovelling

Square: 'Why do you only have one round edge?'
Circle: 'That's how I roll.'

I've been suffering from depression ever since the bridge I built collapsed.
I can't get over it