I thought about putting up a "No Vacancy" sign at my hotel.
But there wasn't any room.

I'm taking my son to the pictures this weekendfor his tenth birthday. I've never known someone get so excited about an art gallery.

Scottish terrorists aren't too bright.
"Here Hamish, it says in the paper that Nick Clegg's comin' tae Glasgow. Wouldn't it be great if we blew him up?"

I went to a book convention at the Empire State Building earlier.
There was 102 stories.

My girlfriend dumped me to pursue her dream of being a landscape gardener
She promised me the Earth

I'm often accused of having "A superiority complex" I just put that down to jealousy though.

I vowed to sneak into a Phil Collins concert without a ticket but people said I would never succeed. Despite heavy security and CCTV I was able to blag my way in at the end and hear him sing the last song, it was against all odds

My wife has just had her name changed to Mona.
Quite ironic, really.

I met a girl last night and took her back to my house.
There I added it to my collection of spines.

I can sympathise with those upset by the death of Pavarotti.
I felt the same when I lost a tenner.

I'm a really big fan of tarmac. In fact,
It's right up my street.

What's a bear's favorite charity event?
The 40 Hour Salmon

My wife has just come in and said she's got style.
"Yeh, I know" I replied, "It leads in to your field you fat cow."

I'm totally against domestic violence.
I'm more of a 'commercial violence' type of guy.

All of Hitler's speeches came with extended war ranty.

Being well-known for not taking things seriously, my dad couldn't help but give me his advice ahead of my first job interview in 3 years.
"Remember son, ensure you make a really good first impression."
Now, I'd normally open with my "Frank Spencer", but I'm wondering if it's a bit too obvious?

I saw a WPC wearing suspenders in a traffic jam. I asked her, "What's the hold up?"

my wife is digging a big hole in the garden.
I'm sure she's plotting her revenge.

My father left when i was a child. He couldn't cope with his job as a Taxi Driver.
He just drove off without any Indication.

I stood up a lap dancer the other day.
She said, "Hey! This isn't part of my job description!"

There's a lot to be said for being loquacious

The wife's been on a ballooning holiday.
She put on two stone.

My mate told me he's been beating up sea fish..... sounds like cods-wallop to me

My wife has been constantly pestering me recently saying I read the dictionary too much.
She is the definiton of annoying.

Taking my wife out for dinner this evening and I've promised her 'Five Stars'.
I'll make sure only the most experienced Paki in there serves us our Big Mac Meals.