I've been trying to do a deal to takeover a company that claim to have invented a spray that makes red wine stains vanish.
I really hope it comes off.

Just seen the latest John Terry incident
I can't help but feel there was no knee'd for it.

Apparently women love a good scar on a man.
However, they're never impressed with the big red ring on my forearm after going deep into a pringle can.

I only listen to mathcore.
It's the genre that counts.

I'll never forget the last thing my father said to me before he died.
"Son, I'm becoming a mime."

According to news reports, the esteemed adventurer Scott Campbell Smith was captured by cannibals in the Gambia and pushed into a boiling pot of water to which salt, pepper and many herbs were added.
A fitting end for a seasoned explorer...

Where did Saddam Hussein keep his cds?
In Iraq.

I've just heard a great joke about iron pyrite; it's comedy gold.

I always thought it was a good thing that I was a patient lover.
But apparently it's grounds for dismissal at the hospital.

5000 hares had escaped from the local zoo
Police are combing the area

I hate it when my girlfriend is on her period.
But the school is only across the road so I can still see her.

The wife kept nagging me for a car so I bought her a Jaguar
Looking after a big cat should keep her busy and make her forget about all this driving nonsense

I've recently read a fantastic book on how to blow up balloons.
But the sequel was a let down.

I have been having real trouble with my spelling of leight.

Coffin - The result of heavy smoking.

So, a cat and a dog go into a Chinese takeaway...
Not all of them, obviously. They also use pork and chicken.

My mate said "I'm a lover not a fighter!"
I replied "So a rapist not a murderer then?"

I let my pet canary out in the office yesterday, and it got trapped in my Norweigan 5-in-1 printer.
The machine made a horrible hissing noise but in the end it just Scandinavian.

I hate crime.
I mostly direct it towards Pakis.

My wife was stupid to put a basket in the hall for the cat.
I don't think it will get its ball up that high.

A friend of mine said "I think I'll never understand what a tachyon is."
I replied "Don't worry, it's just a matter of time."

My mum walked in on me today rolling up a spliff with a coupon.
She said "Hey you, cut that out!"

When my mate offered me tickets for the paralympic opening ceremony, I was delighted, so I bit his hand off.
Now we both get to go.

Can't believe the injury to my finger made me lose my Toe-Wrestling crown...

Most gingers would dye to have a girlfriend.