I get a bit sloppy with my grammar sometimes.
my grammpa doesnt seem to mind though.

I feel really sorry for countries who enforce capital punishment.
Imagine starting your name with a small letter.

If you know that roses are red, and violets are blue.....then you must be an enormous queer and consequently a joke of a man

My dad said I'd never succeed as a baker, because I always use the wrong tools for the job.
You should have seen me today. I was raking in the dough.

People say I'm really well suited with my new girlfriend, and I have to agree.
She is an excellent tailor.

A girl who I had a huge crush on at school just smiled as she walked past me in Tesco struggling with her trolley.
I was going to go and ask her out, but I didn't want to push it.

'Thanks to you, I'm a lot more like Father Christmas' I said to my wife.
'Oh, I have noticed that you've become much more jolly.'
'Hardly... more that I've put on a lot of weight and only come once a year.'

My girlfriend recently auditioned to become an adult performer.
When the police showed up, she had to act like she was an adult.

I discovered a clowns arm on the beach today. I found this humerus.

My neighbour came round today:
"Alright mate, can I borrow your tubs to do my decorating"
"Of course, she's not very good with a paint brush though"

Me and Lady Gaga have been up gambling all night. I think we're going through a Poker Phase.

My new years resolution is to do things on time...

I used to be a cat burglar...
But in the end, I couldn't afford to feed them all...

Trampoline:
Lube for a hobo.

I've convinced everyone I know that I have more body organs than any other human being.
Of course I know it's not true. In my heart of hearts.

Me: Just seen a guy artificially inseminate a cow.
Mate: Yeah?
Me: Yeah, straight up, no bull.

I love stealing board games.
What can I say? I'm a Risk taking kind of guy.

I got sacked on my first day as a tree surgeon.
All I did was attempt to remove a man's appendix with a conifer.

My friend tells me I don't understand tenses.
I won't be able to believe he is saying this, I used to be outraged.

My wife said to me that she wanted a bit more variety to spice up her life.
So I told her to add mustard to my next sandwich.

In a lesson today my teacher was telling us about an essay we had to write, he said,
"There is a 2000 word limit but if you get to 2013 its not the end of the world"

I once tried to mug this guy for his Rubik's cube.
But he just blanked me and continued playing with it. I shouted, "Let's not make this any harder than it already is!"

The other day I met a muslim Time Traveller
He was a blast from the past.

I went up to a woman and said, "Play your cards right and you could be taking me home tonight".
She said, "Look mate, you have to book the taxi just like everyone else".

From the moment people started throwing semi-aquatic mammals at our local zoo keeper, I knew his fate was sealed.