Sky News: Boy aged four found dead in a tumble dryer.
Well it has been a nice day, perhaps he got the wrong end of the stick when his mum told him to go for a quick cycle?

My brother has constructed a huge sign of his signature to hang on the front of his house. People for miles around have come to see it.
He's made quite a name for himself.

Went to B&Q earlier to get wood, I just find DIY places really exciting.

My mate told me this morning that he's changing his name to Hydroxide.
I said, "OH, really?"

BBC News - "Colombian plane crashes after lightning strike."
The pilot walked out when he didn't get a pay rise.

Cheryl Cole said the most frightening moment on the life support machine was being shown the chart by the side of the bed. "I wasn't even in the top 40."

I think I upset my friend Saeed when I started asking him about Ramadan.
All I said was, "What do you do if you don't know anyone called Dan?"

What do you call a man who's half Nigerian?
Nige.

My little brother got caught stealing a sandwich from Tesco.
I took the wrap.

I changed the gradient on my treadmill, I felt inclined.

I love to make my daughter happy. She really, really wanted a hula hoop for her birthday. She pleaded for weeks. So I bought one for her.
I finished off the rest of the bag later.

A Muslim woman had her scarf blown off.
All will be re-veiled.

Went to see a pantomime about the dictionary.
Turned out to be a wordplay.

Evian has gone into liquidation

Seeing some of these female athletes in the Commonwealth Games reminds me of my Korean ex-girlfriend,
Man Lee

I just made a to-do list.
So far iv only got:
1. Get something to eat
2. Cheryl Cole

I used to make a living on stage making people laugh.
For two years I was a stripper.

I used to make a living on stage making people laugh.
For two years I was a stripper.

I entered a dog-kicking tournament yesterday...
Managed to get the runner up spot.

I got sacked for being stout.
Now I'm bitter.

I have this weird obsession with removing splinters.
It's just getting a little bit out of hand.

I will be supporting the Irish team at The O'Lympic Games this year.

The lengths that some squares will go to become a rectangle...

I was playing scrabble on my phone and managed to get twelve points for 'speeding'.
Another twelve for 'reckless endangerment' and finally stripped of my licence.

I got my personality test results back yesterday.
They were negative.