Which former Chilean dictator now accepts payment via credit or debit card?
General Pin OK.

I saw a boxer climbing up a dangerous hill.
It was Rocky.

I applied for a job as a mustard cutter, but it seems I just wasn't good enough.

Had trouble getting into the front door of my local high street pharmacy the other day.
I think I'm getting too big for my Boots.

My girlfriend dumped me when we were visiting a very old castle.
I was in ruins.

So a car pulls up to me at the lights the other day and starts revving his engine, as if he wanted a race
I beat him with ease though, I guess he was all torque and no action

The police made a drug bust at my house yesterday.
They were there for hours, lovingly carving it out of a giant MDMA crystal.

Robbery at steel factory.
That's irony.

Whenever my wife stepped out of line, I would hit her with my pool cue. Never hard enough to leave a mark, mind you.
Anyway, she's left me. She got fed up with my mild wood swings.

I've forgotten more stuff than I care to remember.

Being a Secret Agent is great.
It means I can still claim job seeker benefits as well as the commission from the houses I sell.

I found out today that I perfectly match the profile of the type of person who spoils their ballot paper.
I tick all the right boxes.

Work has been so stressful recently I've started hearing voices in my head.
It got so bad I had to quit my job at Air Traffic Control.

I couldn't decide whether to turf the garden or put chippings down.
Then I thought, sod it.

I've just had a really bad case of Heat stroke.
My wife will be livid, she hasn't even read it yet.

Every afternoon, my kids take a power nap. Well, I say power nap, actually I just hit them with a taser.

I bought an iMac today. Now this way my eyes won't get wet everytime I cry.

Don't trust your heart!
It's not on the right side...

I used to be a terrible orchestra leader, until I fell into a bath of liquid nitrogen which turned me into a superconductor.

"Do you have any words to express relief?"
"Just a phew."

Simba stays in bed longer than the other animals because he's the lie-in king.

My Mum was a vengeful ophthalmologist
Eye for an eye...

I suffer from bi-polar disorder. My house in Antarctica is even messier than the one on the North Pole.

If I had a Penny for everytime I forgot my wifes name.
There wouldn't be a problem in the first place.

If I had a Penny for everytime I forgot my wifes name.
There wouldn't be a problem in the first place.