People insult me for my use of long words but they can all catch pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and die.

I'm paying for palm transplant surgery.
Lots of money is going to change hands

I always thought I would never see the day when I went blind.

My mate showed me his new treatment for his tourettes. It's a small crystal pyramid in his garden which he has to stand near when his condition gets bad.
He swears by it.

I can't believe someone has stolen my Moloko CD. Bring it back.

A lot of people are saying that Amy Winehouse died from taking heroin.
But I think it was probably those 5 gram Es.

`I'm looking for that Stephen Hawking book in paperback.'
Librarian: `Is that the one without a spine.'

I've just had a tattoo done of an old one pound note, but when I run my finger over it, it's quite sore.
I'm feeling a little tender.

Did you know that in the UK there is an entire TV channel devoted to hair-dressing? It's good; I've seen the highlights.

"One lump or two?" my girlfriend asked.
I said "Actually, I think I'll drink it black until we get some new milk."

Terminal illness is dying out.

A relative of mine has been having a hard time financially recently after standing on an I.E.D. in Afghanistan.
So I've loan him some money until he finds his feet.

I've just seen my mate fly across a golf course.
I don't know what drove him to do that.

I watch pom. You misread that, didn't you?

Spent the weekend going through all my old computers in the loft.
So many memories.

HI V.
Making high 5's fun since AD 43.

Invisible Calculators - I can't see them working out

Went to Tenerife two years ago, didn't get laid.
Went to Majorca last year, didn't get laid there either.
I'm going to Ibiza this year; it's my last resort.

Me and the family are moving house to give my son a headstart in
his education,
as a removal man

I've got a thing for older women.
It's an incontinence pad.

It's not so much plagiarism as "Recycling other peoples' success".

I was sat in A & E when a woman stumbled in with an open, dripping wound.
Never again, do I want to see Katie Price with no knickers on.

I'm a racist magician and every trick I do contains one element.
Cutting the Pak.

I was really getting into Jerry Springer the other day
when he woke up and called the police

I went into the butchers and asked for a large steak.
He said the shareholders would be happy to negotiate with me.