People insult me for my use of long words but they can all catch pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and die.

I'm paying for palm transplant surgery.
Lots of money is going to change hands

I always thought I would never see the day when I went blind.

My mate showed me his new treatment for his tourettes. It's a small crystal pyramid in his garden which he has to stand near when his condition gets bad.
He swears by it.

I can't believe someone has stolen my Moloko CD. Bring it back.

A lot of people are saying that Amy Winehouse died from taking heroin.
But I think it was probably those 5 gram Es.

`I'm looking for that Stephen Hawking book in paperback.'
Librarian: `Is that the one without a spine.'

I've just had a tattoo done of an old one pound note, but when I run my finger over it, it's quite sore.
I'm feeling a little tender.

Did you know that in the UK there is an entire TV channel devoted to hair-dressing? It's good; I've seen the highlights.

"One lump or two?" my girlfriend asked.
I said "Actually, I think I'll drink it black until we get some new milk."

Terminal illness is dying out.

A relative of mine has been having a hard time financially recently after standing on an I.E.D. in Afghanistan.
So I've loan him some money until he finds his feet.

I've just seen my mate fly across a golf course.
I don't know what drove him to do that.

I watch pom. You misread that, didn't you?

Spent the weekend going through all my old computers in the loft.
So many memories.

HI V.
Making high 5's fun since AD 43.

Invisible Calculators - I can't see them working out

Went to Tenerife two years ago, didn't get laid.
Went to Majorca last year, didn't get laid there either.
I'm going to Ibiza this year; it's my last resort.

Me and the family are moving house to give my son a headstart in
his education,
as a removal man

I've got a thing for older women.
It's an incontinence pad.

I saw seven train spotters on the platform this morning. It's got to be the worst pastime ever.
Still, spotting train spotters gets me away from the wife for a few hours.

I managed to lose my wife whilst playing cards at the casino.
I got out through a window in the toilets.

Why was Henry VIII beard always covered in blood?
Tudor period.

My mate, professionally trained as a tailor, has been made redundant, and has decided to go into comedy.
He's not worried though, he says he's got plenty of quality material.

I went to the gym today and lined up behind an African American woman. She was having trouble swiping her card, so I thought I'd help her out by telling her 'black strip down.' Turns out it's easier to make a black woman get naked than I thought!