My dad stumbled into the room, drunk as a fox, and said
"17.6% volume"
I said 'what're you on about?'
He said 'its just the booze talking"

There is a married couple of circus Mimes living in the flat above me, so its always nice and quiet
Until they get mad and give each other the unsilent treatment.

I won't be buying any more of that cured bacon until I find out what was wrong with it..

I enjoy visiting Elizabethan tailors and getting ruffed up,
It gives me a frill.

A wise man once said to me...
"Hi, I'm Dennis."

*Phew* People came to my party
Few people came to my party
Sometimes spelling doesn't matter either way you're still a desperate loser.

My wife made me breakfast in bed this morning.
I'm so happy I've moved her sleeping quarters into the kitchen.

When I was younger, I quite fancied a career in the services. But as I got older, I realised working in Little Chef would be rubbish.

It's always hard being easily aroused.

I was heartbroken when my old dog died so I decided to have him preserved for eternity. I wrapped him up carefully in a blanket and took him to the taxidermist's.
The taxidermist was examining the dog, checking its mouth, looking under its tail, when I asked, "Could you mount him for me?"
"Not my thing," said the taxidermist. "Looks like it's yours though."

I heard that companies are starting to make belts with a clockface on the buckle.
But I think it's just a waist of time.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I'm selling a book on undercover surveillance on eBay. I don't have any watchers yet.
Or do I??

I'm so happy my Ex-Girlfriend's down for the weekend...
Well, she should be considering the amount of tranquilizer darts I got through.

It's not so much plagiarism as "Recycling other peoples' success".

I was sat in A & E when a woman stumbled in with an open, dripping wound.
Never again, do I want to see Katie Price with no knickers on.

I'm a racist magician and every trick I do contains one element.
Cutting the Pak.

I was really getting into Jerry Springer the other day
when he woke up and called the police

I went into the butchers and asked for a large steak.
He said the shareholders would be happy to negotiate with me.

Merry Eczemas every one
From the Dyslexic society.

I'm about to watch American History X, does it matter that I haven't seen the first nine?

Watched that Derren Brown on TV last night.
His idea that you can psychologically get people to do things by dropping subliminal hints is pure nonsense.
It nearly made me SICK my dinner UP.

I stayed up all night watching highlights of the French Open.
I was knackered this morning, but it had its advantages.

I've just applied to adopt a jaguar for 3 a month.
I hope they send me an XJS.

My mum managed to beat Cancer when I was born.
She gave birth to me on July the 23rd, making me a Leo.