I was looking for a pair of socks but could only find one.
That's odd.

A high jumper walked into a bar.
Needless to say, he didnt qualify.

When I'm bored I like to put knifes through clocks.
I call it 'Killing time'

I was having Italian last night when the waitress came over and asked if I wanted a spoon for my spaghetti...
I negotiated and in the end got a hand job for my bread basket.

I had to ground my son earlier.
He won't mess around with electricity again.

12 months ago i bought 4 new tyres for my car, 139 apiece.
Today i had to get 4 new tyres but was amazed to find they now cost 155 each.
Which confirms that tyres are indeed subject to inflation.

I used to get laughed at a lot at work until the other day, when I decided to invert the contents of the cafe.
Oh how the tables have turned.

I don't see why the weatherman is fussed on if it is going to rain while people are at Reading.
Personally if my book starts to get wet, I just go back inside

What's the point of rhetorical questions?
Yes.

Most people don't want to know when and where they're going to die, but I do.
Then I won't go there.

Just heard on a film trailer - "It's not over till it's over."
Yeah, that's how it generally works...

Just visited The Flying Egg Cafe at Heathrow.
What I want to know is ... which came first, the check-in or The Egg?

Taking it on the Chin: The act of using a Chinese person as a shield.

I'm a huge sports fan, I just can't get enough of sumo wrestling!

My wife finally made me go see the doctor for my erectile dysfunction. When I came back she asked what the doctor said. I told her that I didn't get to ask him about it.
"And why not?" she asked, clearly furious.
"To be honest, it just didn't come up".

Just written a song about blackboards & the cane.
You know, old school..

People quite often say to me, "Steve, how did you become so good at poaching?"
And I just stand there, on my huge pile of pheasants and shout down "I'm just on top of my game."

Animal Rights activists have been protesting outside my flat all day.
They'd heard I spend a lot of time in there shaking the snake, spanking the monkey and choking the chicken.

Normal Ovations?
I won't stand for them.

My wife suffers from ME.
Mainly when I punch her in the face.

My geeky friends won't stop talking about comic books and superheroes. I didn't mind so much until I went to see one of them at home. He showed me his entire comic collection, which had to be in the thousands...
This guy has issues...

I got in a fight with a load of kids earlier.
I never knew goats could be so vicious.

Nada, zilch, zero, nil. These words mean nothing to me.

Do you remember the time dinosaurs had to keep calling up BT to get their internet sorted?
It was the LAN before time.

Me and my wife were arguing over who got to eat the last gherkin....
What a pickle....