I've always been bad at spelling. Not sure whether it's nature or nurture.

Gentleman: A polite term for someone forever stuck in the friend-zone.

I saw a couple snogging by a Coconut Shy last night.
"Knock it off you two!", I shouted.

I got abducted last week.
The gym manager said if I paid my outstanding membership fees I can get my stomach muscles back.

I went to a night club last night and I managed to take 3 girls home.
Easiest 22.70 I made as a taxi driver so far.

My dad always used to say,"Yrros my son,never say your name backwards,you'll be sorry."

I drink so much tea I'm on first name terms with my kettle.
He's called Phil.......Phil the kettle.

As a writer I seek inspiration where I can, and get most of my ideas when I'm idly sat doing my Jamaican girlfriend's hair.
I don't know what I'd do if she left me.
I dred to think.

Our local lap dancing club has started opening early in the morning.
I've just popped in for a coffee and a tease.

Just got in trouble at work for saying 'puff pastry'.
The head chef said I've either got to call him Dave or fetch it myself.

Scientists have discovered the smallest unit of measurement for personality.
It's called a 'Miliband'.

When I woke up this morning I felt like one of Mozart's symphonies.
I was alright though, once I'd composed myself.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a
race car not called a racist?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

What do you call a Chav on fire?
Sauteed.

I bet our American friends have no problem deleting their cookies.

My milk went off yesterday... Still hasn't come back.

I was working hard the other day, trying to meet some pressing deadlines when my female boss came over and gave me loads more work to do. I alerted her that I was already swamped, but she told me to try and work a bit harder and I'd get more done.
So I thanked her for the motivational words and got cracking.

Earlier today I was compiling a list of jokes about every bone in the human body, imagine my disappointment when I realized I didn't have a single humerus one.

I made some clown shoes once.
That was no small feat.

I asked my mate Paul what a palindrome was. He didn't have a clue but suggested I ask Bob or Hannah.

River Cafe's Rose Gray dies at 71.
Earl must be gutted.

You have to be so unintellectual to win at Deal Or No Deal that you think inside the box.

Kristian Digby just died?
He was very old, considering he was at one time the biggest dog in the world.

Thinking of opening a wine shop in Newcastle.
Going to call it Alan Shiraz