Can't believe I just come last in a spelling centost

I know a Paki who doesn't smell.
He has Anosmia, he still stinks though.

I was enjoying a coffee in a country cafe this morning when a posh guy on the table next to me burped loudly.
I said, "Oi mate, where's your manners?"
He said, "Well old chap, I've got one in Hertfordshire and one in Kent."

My friends are currently on holiday in Cuba.
I bet they're Havana good time.

What's black and white and read all over?
I don't know, but it's not News of the World.

I've been peeling ever since I got really sun-burnt on holiday.
If I've got to stay out of the sun I may as well finish my sticker book.

My wife is just like Michael Jackson
Shamone's a lot.

Today I found a clue as to who planted all the ivy in my allotment, but I can't work it out.
Meanwhile, the plot thickens.

I've met this girl but she won't get with me because of my obsession with Blondie....
I'll get her one way or another

Rioters suddenly chased out of largely asian based communities Hounslow and Southall.
Who called The Turbanator?

My friend just invited me to a Welsh soap opera exhibition.
I told him I'd Pobol y Cwm.

I like my women like i like my onions.
Battered, in a ring.

Ive been with my chinese girlfriend over a year now,
I think she might be the wan.

When someone prays for a flood to stop, they're basically saying, "God, dam it."

My mate was desperate for me to go on a booze cruise to France.
It's not something I really Carrefour.

I use the C word constantly

What do you call a desperate Norwegian comedian?
Olaf.

I bought a new carpet cleaner which removes 99% of stains. Ali G isn't happy.

To be, or not to be. (I think you should be.)
That is suggestion.

I've been Sober for 4 years now.
The name John wasn't really working for me.

You know when you've had a long day, you're driving home and nothing is going your way?
It's because you're in the wrong lane...

Did you hear about the depressed runner bean?
He's not a pea.

I came home from work last night to find a copper rooting through my CD rack.
Turns out we'd been burgled and he was just looking for Prince.

I went to dinner with an entire zoo the other day.
Not everyone had money though, and I ended up paying the Lion's share.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one is around to hear it, should you get rid of the chainsaw?